I think I get why kratom becomes a burden and stops working well. I don’t feel the serotonin rush anymore. I guess I’ve adapted to that more than the opioid receptor part. The opioid part hits first and eases the pain. The serotonin part hits later and make you just feel decent. Everything will be OK type of feel good. Not high. But that hasn’t happened in a while. That’s what the ketamine did. My best low pain days outside of kratom have been because of those drugs flooding me with serotonin. Maybe dopamine. I don’t think anti-depressants can do that. They work in such different ways. Anyway, pain is very bad today. I took 5g at 9am. I don’t think I’ll make it to 3pm. We’ll do 5.5g. The usage creeps up so fast. Just got a call from ketamine doc. They had a wait list appt next week. This would have been good timing if things had worked out before. I told them to keep my appt in October. At this rate, I don’t think I’ll be able to do that either. I don’t think I’ll go back to ketamine. Certainly not while on kratom, nor anytime right after quitting. +.5 after 45 minutes. Feel better now. Short walk. Hot outside. Feeling pain come back after dinner. Anxiety pretty high. I felt good when the drugs were in full effect. I think it’s almost like I’m withdrawing from the serotonin part of kratom. Even though I just took it. It doesn’t do the same thing it did when I started back up. And as the drug wears off, the withdrawal effects ramp up and magnify as time goes on. Should I stop the kratom and go back to heavy drinking? That’s no better. I can’t control this anxiety really at all. Pain goes away, anxiety goes away. I am just so fucked I don’t know what to do. I’m scared again. This pain has been at a 10 for a long time now. Everything ramps up psych wise when the pain is this bad. The meds are hiding the pain a bit, but not the mental snowballing. Maybe I need to take those anti-psychotics. Everything I take increases pain though. Either after 4 days or after 2 weeks. Only ketamine helped, but that affects opioid sensors which is bad after kratom, and the positive effects only last a day and a half. Plus I can’t be taking psychedelics right now. I’m a bit too unzipped to handle them. I might take a break from kratom already. I would need to make it through 1 or 2 days before I can drink. Not that I want to, but I don’t think I really have a choice. Use the cannabis I guess. Maybe a hybrid or sativa will help. I jumped on the bike for a bit when the anxiety was high. It helped a bit. Ice packs helped. It takes the pain I think from an 8 to a 7. That critical line. Can’t wait for vertigo to hit and ruin everything. It’s always something with me these days. I really need a win.