Slept horribly last night. Woke up constantly. Had bad headache, probably from clenching teeth. I used the night guard and CPAP, but no improvement. I managed to wait it out until 9:40. 6g. That dosage creeps up so quickly and easily. And it doesn’t work well. The initial opioid boost helps ease the pain and the mental tension from the pain, but it seems to make more anxiety after. I’ll make it today to 3:30. I’ll take 6.5g I think. Better pain day then yesterday, but not a good day. Everyday I want to stop kratom because it sucks. Every day I keep going. I don’t want to spend 5 straight days freaking out from pain and anxiety, only to be left kratom free, sweaty as fuck, and in a massive amount of pain. Spine surgeon appt tomorrow. I don’t expect anything from him, so I’ll still be on my own with no help. Maybe I just need to take kratom for 2 weeks on, 1 or 2 weeks off. I can’t just keep going back to alcohol. Every time I touch kratom, I end up in the same mental state. In the past, I felt like it helped me a lot more than it is now. It doesn’t feel like it’s doing much to help me at all. Maybe I’m remembering wrong. Dad called about the appt tomorrow. I told him don’t worry about it. I can’t ask for help. He said he would go anyway. He asked how things were going and I started crying. This pain. He’s going with. I need help advocating. I asked him about the pain mgmt appt next week also and he said he would go. I need him to complain for me that nothing gets done and that I’m dying a slow painful death. I feel very depressed at this very moment. I made it to 3:35, so time for drugs. Maybe after the appt tomorrow, I will try a break from kratom. I wonder how hard it will be to quit withdrawal-wise. After 3 weeks. The first time was after 2-3 months. The second time was only 1-2 months, but with the Prozac issues and I started ketamine right away, so that fucked it. I don’t have the tolerance right now to sit through 5 days of withdrawals and intense spine pain at the same time. I felt better in the evening. Went for a short walk. Lots of ice. I think late in the evening I feel a bit of serotonin. I felt the anxiety leave me at about 7:00. After the first ice pack, before the walk. it makes me think I can take time off the kratom. Tomorrow will be another shit show of a day. Plus the huge effort with the appointment. It was right when I took ashwagandha. Maybe that’s helping.