Bad sleep again. Managed to go until 9am. Was in pain and I think craving kratom. I waited until a little after 10. 6.5g. It’s affecting me in the head more than normal. Maybe that yucky feeling continued. Made it through the day OK. Been distracting myself. 6.5g at 3:15. I don’t feel much pain relief, but I do feel it in my head. Took .8g more. Well, as big of a failure as this last tolerance break was, it did get me through like 5 days without increasing. These have been extremely difficult 5 days and pushed the craziness boundaries though. Pain is very spasmy the last few days. Maybe I can get off the kratom for a day and Flexiril myself. That will stop the spasms and buy a day and a half. But that shit has a very long half life and will fuck with the kratom if I go back, so probably not. I really would love to not be addicted to any drugs. I wish there was something else that could help. The other option is seeing the primary doc and trying to get Lyrica or gabapentin. Need more Zanaflex too. I think I haven’t gotten that serotonin effect from the kratom in a while now. Then it’s just unpleasant opioid feeling, and too much of that is yucky. Dopamine, serotonin, whichever. 7pm and the panic is ramping up. Pain is bad, yeah, but the panic usually seems to start right around now. This made me feel like I needed to panic quit kratom only last week. This IS fucking nuts, to be sure. It’s quite uncomfortable. I was thinking how ketamine completely knocks out all my anxiety. (Only to return a day and a half later). I hope this shit evens out tomorrow. I had a few of these bad days in the last week or two before my ill fated quitting attempt. That attempt has made things worse in the short term. I hope I heal up from it and get back to at least my old, shitty ‘normal’. Played some games and felt OK when I was playing. TAB. It causes anxiety on its own. It passed the time well, but when I was done and in bed, the anxiety was just roaring. Not quite panic, but bad. I feel so out of sorts. Crawling out of my skin. I constantly worry about how I’m going to survive with drugs I can’t take and can’t live without.