Another horrifying wake up.. I feel like this one might be the worst out of the three so far. Sleep was awful. I had the central apnea thing again. I don’t know why it happens randomly. And rarely. I’d be fucked if it happened every night. I wake up almost afraid when I can’t breath. It feel like suffocating. Woke up a bit after 7:30. Ran for the kratom. 6.5g and I barely felt it. I’ll take 4 or 4.5 at 11:30. This pushes the pm dose to 4:00, which affects sleep. I’m really tired. Had some iced tea. Wanted a soda. Yeah, bad. 4.5 at 11:30. 6.5g at 3:30. I hardly feel that one, but I’m not going higher. I felt some panic earlier. Had a short walk earlier. Played a TAB game, then realized I was spending time at my desk, which is potentially what got me here, so I stopped. Had a church walk when the panic started. It helped. The pm dose I guess is helping with that, but the day is still young as far as that’s concerned. I don’t know if the brace helped relieve pain for those few days, or if it was the “tolerance break” that actually set that up. I think the drugs were just working as intended. I’m glad I only took them once per day for those 3 days. I’m at 2 days in a row of large amounts now. There is always a price. I need to try to get back on the normal schedule. The horror upon waking up for the last few days though has been insane. I’m doing pretty well mentally despite that. It was so good mentally for those good days. I said, “I don’t want to go back!”, but here I am. This sucks so fucking bad. Why do I have to suffer so much. “I’ve got so far to go. So give my soul some peace” – Metric, Formentera. Took half a Zanaflex and felt better. I had a serotonin surge for a tiny bit. Took another half Zanaflex. It doesn’t make me too drowsy oddly enough. Playing a couple more strikes in D2. Making it through. Let’s hope I sleep OK and don’t wake up horrified tomorrow! Put the SI belt on top of the lumbar brace and it feels a tiny bit better. Let’s give this one a try.