I had it in my head last night that I need to give it a go today. I was looking at laptops and found an open box at a nearby Best Buy. My plan was to go buy a 12 pack of Sierra Nevada at Binny’s and go get that laptop. This morning I didn’t give a fuck about the stupid laptop. I did go to Binny’s though and get the beer and some red wine. Hopefully I don’t finish it all today. It’s almost 2pm and I’m really just starting to feel it. I found it’s better to dose the pm before a quit rather than try the half day. With the half day, the withdrawals are really bad right from the get go in the morning and that leads to probable failure. I’m only just starting to really feel it now, and I’ve already had half my day gone. That seems easier to finish out the day like this. From what I remember the first time, the first day was actually the easiest. The withdrawals were new and were easier to handle because of that. Sleep I think was OK the first night. There aren’t any debilitating mental effects right now. Those come on day 2. The insomnia starts on night 2 I think. That is just such a cruel joke. As if the rest of it wasn’t bad enough. I wish I had some clonazepam or something. That would help a ton. I was cold this morning. Now I’m pretty normal. Had a short walk. It was hard. Ice packs from wake up. I’m really missing the pain relief. The anxiety is coming up because of the pain. I’m also remembering that I ultimately sleep better. Even totally off drugs, I still wake up tons throughout the night and can’t get back to sleep. I wake up super tired and irritable. Zanaflex at 5am is common. On the kratom, I always get back to sleep until like 8am, which is nice. Falling asleep is weird though. I’m a touch sweaty. I’m holding out as long as I can before I drink some beers. I don’t know how long this attempt will last, that’s why I’m typing it here. Watching Twitch, so that might help me get through. I am not committed to this and I don’t want to suffer, only to go right back on kratom like I did twice before. Loyola called and Tuesday’s procedure is not approved by my shitting insurance yet. I’m fucked if that doesn’t happen. I’m fucked any which way, really, But I need that to happen, and if I can tie it in with quitting kratom, all the better. First beer at 2:50. Sierra Nevada Pale…so fucking good. Takes me back to day drinking in an SF brewpub or something. Hands and feet are slightly sweaty. Withdrawals are bad. I wish I could sleep through them right now. I know my sleep tonight will probably be fucked. Even though I said night 1 I think was OK. I think the ash/ag are accelerating withdrawals. Not sure. It’s bad though. I could muscle through, but the accumulation is what gets you. Long way to go until bed time. Please try to pace yourself on the alcohol! 3 beers finished at 4:45. Good pace so far. I already feel a little dehydrated. I’m so fucking tired. I really want to pass out. Watching Twitch has been fantastic. What a shame I’ve lost sight of dick jokes. So good to be immersed back in that environment. How can I be when I’m alone all day, every day? Only watching others on TV. I just forced some pizza rolls down. No appetite. I know that would bite me in the ass. 4 beers and I feel wasted. I’m trying to take a break and hydrate/eat. I want that bottle of red wine, but I will guzzle the whole thing in 30 minutes. If I try, I can pace myself for the next 4 hours and be able to wake up OK tomorrow. Still no guarantees how alcohol hits me these days. Withdrawals + alcohol = who knows what kind of shitty sleep I’ll get and how crappy I’ll feel tomorrow. Just popped the wine. Pain is legit. It’s choking me. The alcohol combined with all the other stuff is fucking me up. I can tell there is strong pain there, but it’s not bothering me a huge amount. It is bothering me though. It’s bad. If I didn’t have the alcohol in me, I would be running for pain meds. I think I know how tomorrow is going to go. It’s just a matter of the hangover. 8pm. Full bottle of red wine done. I am sooo fucked up. Whatever it is, it’s combining and fucking me up a lot. Much more than normal. I’m going to watch Twitch in bed at 8:00 and pass out and call it a day. The pain was so fucking bad in the end. If I managed it with kratom, it would have been a ‘normal’ day. This day was not good. I feel like I could manage the withdrawals, but definitely not the actual pain. If I get the injections, and if they work, maybe it’s a different story. For now, shitty status quo.