Yeah, like I said before I passed out – pain was super bad. Alcohol was covering it a bit. Whatever it was combining with really knocked me out. In the end it was 5 beers and 1 bottle of red wine. I wanted to pass out at like 7. I stayed up as long as I could. I don’t remember falling asleep. I think I woke up after a couple hours and shut the PC off. I had a nasty headache in the middle of the night. I hydrated and took Tylenol. Had half a Zanaflex at like 6 or something and made it until about 8:00. I kept waking up still feeling drunk. The hangover was bad once I shifted into it. I had an ice pack on it all morning. Then I took Zanaflex and fell asleep at about 11:30. I woke up, showered, went for a church walk and then went to check dad’s house. All of that was really hard. I keep telling myself the pain isn’t that bad, but it is. It’s central too. And the withdrawals are giving me all kinds of depression/anxiety and full body pain. That and the hangover. The only thing I can do today other than kratom is take the low dose ketamine. I’m just not up for that. I don’t know if I can even wait until 3:30 for kratom. I really want it now. I’m suffering every which way, and I said I wouldn’t suffer. I’m not committed to quitting, so… This was on a whim. I should continue and tie this in to the injections that may or may not happen. I need a tolerance break regardless, and this is really the only way I can get it. I know ketamine is a bad option. Sitting at my desk right now is ramping up the pain badly. Go horizontal and count the minutes until the day is done, or kratom and be upright and maybe even play some games. I don’t think I felt withdrawals all morning. Probably because of the hangover. I feel them now, and they suck. The only way I can do this is if I have a serotonin rush. There are 2 options for that and I hate them both. I’m moments away from taking kratom. Any higher pain levels in my back and it’s done. Sitting at my desk is causing that. I can’t lay on the couch any more. Went for the kratom and took 60mg ketamine troche instead at 13:25. Fuck it. Let’s give it a go. Worst case it gets me to 4:00 for the pm kratom dose. I really don’t remember what 60mg ketamine feels like. It should sort of zap me out for a bit. I don’t think there is a serotonin boost from it immediately. I remember going for 3 or 4 weeks without ever feeling that, so this is probably just a time staller. I remember the depression and anxiety from quitting. It’s super brutal. Very strong. I couldn’t watch certain TV shows or listen to certain music. It just bothered me too much. Going to sleep to the radio was interesting. Certain songs would trigger me. You really just need to be knocked out for this whole process. Just did a church walk. I so want to pass the fuck out right now. definitely making me feel how fucked up I am. Addicted to drugs, depressed/anxiety. Horrible pain. Everything against me, and I’m failing. I don’t know how the kratom will feel on top of this ketamine. If 7:00 tonight is anything like last night, there is no way I’ll make it through. I can drink again, but that’s a horrible idea. And don’t forget – insomnia starts tonight and maybe proper withdrawals at 1am! It only gets worse. Oh yeah, diarrhea this morning, but that was expected with withdrawals and the hangover. I was just reading my quitting journal, and holy fuck. It’s so scary and depressing. It dragged on so long. The ketamine was the cause and the solution back then. I read that I woke up with a 9 pain. I just can’t handle that right now. I have no strength to handle a fucking 9. No fucking way. I go through pain no matter what. It’s horrible. I just don’t have it in me right now. If the injections help my pain dramatically, then I will stop the kratom. Maybe taper. It depends on how it makes me feel. If I feel great from it, then I’ll push through. I don’t want the withdrawal pain. I doubt the injections will help though. If they even happen. And my kratom use is so high, so CT withdrawals are kind of an inevitability. I don’t want to think about it. This ketamine has not helped. It only made me feel fucked up more. It kind of killed some time and eased some spine pain though. Not a good way to go. 3:00 now. Waiting 30 more minutes. Oh yeah, and I’ve only eaten 2 brownies all day. I’m starving, but have no desire to eat. Well, 10 minutes later I already caved. Took 8g of the red. It usually takes 1 gram more than the green. I wanted to take 7g of the green. That may have been a touch too much. I should have done 7 of the red and re-dosed if needed. I did a short walk. It was OK. I have decent pain, but mostly my head is all fucked up. I played a game as soon as I dosed and enjoyed it. That’s really all I want – to be able to sit and play some games. So the pain was definitely bad this evening. Even with the drugs. I would not have made it without. I did a church walk. Anxiety is bad. That will fade a bit tomorrow. I shouldn’t have had such a bad hangover today. That hurt this attempt. I guess the gabapentin fucked me up. I was wasted from 2 beers. I need to have a relatively clear day on day 2. I don’t know what’s next. Follow the next whim. Maybe try again tomorrow? I just want pain relief.