1g of corydalis did nothing. Took 1g of devil’s claw 1 hour later. I didn’t notice anything from either supplement. 6.5g kratom at 9:15. Corydalis probably isn’t effective because I’m already on kratom and they both effect opioid receptors. This stuff isn’t fresh like kratom either. I could try upping the dose. There isn’t much known about it, so who knows how dangerous it is. Been glued to my desk playing games. Not very good. No desire to go outside. 7.5g at 3:45. Lots of yucky side effects. I feel like I’m at the tolerance break point already. Had a short walk. Yuckiness is easing up. I had low grade panic for a while. That feeling like I did something wrong. Very mild though. Part of kratom life. I’ve learned to ignore that stuff better. I know I keep searching the internet, watching, listening to things, trying to find the answer. To life, the universe, everything. So weird that I feel like I NEED to find it right now to fix myself. The only answer I need is pain relief. The rest is gravy. I’m not actually worried about that at all. If I can reduce pain, I win. But I obviously can’t do that part. No matter what. I need to send a message to Loyola seeing if I can move everything up. They’re only wasting my time at this point. Otherwise get an appt with a new pain mgmt doc. One of those Intracept centers that does multiple things. Maybe start inching toward the next fusion for L2-L4. I sat here all evening yesterday and most of the day today because I am so absolutely fucking bored. Even sitting in the chair watching TV feels claustrophobic. to me now. And after today, so does gaming all day. It doesn’t mean anything if I can’t even get out the door and walk. I don’t know if this is a good thing or a bad thing. I think bad. I’m being painted into a corner. If I could get up and out the door, it would be good. It would motivate me to GTFO. But since I’m crippled and can’t do anything, it only seems to be worse. A little rage can be a good thing. I felt that a few days ago. But I still have 10/10 pain, and I’m still on drugs. It might motivate me to at least get off drugs, but I can’t even do that, mo matter how much I want to. I went for a long walk based on that rage just there. I realized I was playing games not because I wanted to, but because I had to. To pass time. To distract myself. That’s evident by me playing old games and not trying/learning new games. My god do I wish it were as easy as will power to overcome it. The second I go without pain relief, I want to die. Flood myself with psychedelics? Yeah, sure. When you rely on drugs to control pain and a mechanical problem, it’s a super fine line. A tightrope that’s impossible to walk for more than a couple days. I am so lost for ideas. I’m so angry that I’m ready to quit kratom and go running. But then I notice the pain and that it is almost at horrifying levels and the mild effects of the kratom that are lingering are really the only thing keeping me from freaking out over the pain. Rock and hard place. I feel like I’m pushing disassociation the last couple days. It has definitely been different. I think it’s just a side effect of the high kratom doses. It’s very unpleasant and brings back some bad memories. I can keep it away pretty easily – for now. Probably best if I try to get an appt with a new pain mgmt doc right away. I need to motivate somehow.