I crashed pretty hard last night. I was worried I wouldn’t sleep. I was out by 9:45. Woke up a lot through the night, but always got back to sleep. Woke up just after 7 and that was it. Took 6.5g at 9:15. Hit my head pretty hard, but didn’t relieve pain that well. Struggled a bit in the morning. Did like 1 minute on the table at 30deg. Stopped when it made the fused area hurt. It helped a tiny bit. Went to Walmart and was miserable the whole time. Came home and hit the recliner and felt better. Just did another 2 minutes at 30deg. Not helping instantly like it used to. No walking today unless I feel great. Even then, short walks only. I’m not going to push anything. Easy table sessions, easy, gentle exercise. That Walmart trip was probably enough. I need to recover from this. Need to chill today. Thankfully it’s miles better than yesterday, but not really all that good. Maybe this was just a monster flare up, or the result of going to hard. So cute how I keep setting myself up for disappointment. 7g at 3:20. Didn’t want to be too strong in the head like this morning. Not fully in crisis mode either. Trying to remember this is stronger kratom. Had a flash realization that I am completely fucked and have no hope for the future. I was thinking about the last couple days. Nothing is working, no health care hopes, no home treatment hopes. Fuck. I had to distract myself right away so it wouldn’t sink in. Went for a church walk. Still really painful. I know pain relief is possible. I’ve seen it. I don’t know what the magic bullet is or how to sustain it. All I’ve done for the last several years is buy time. Just like my tolerance breaks from the kratom. Buying time so the complete disaster stays away for another day. Some life. Another church walk. 7:00 now, and I don’t want to jinx it, but I’m feeling better. Somewhat like I did for the last week. I used the brace and played games and had to stop for pain. Ate, put on ice pack, and now I’m feeling some pain relief. Maybe.