Happy fucking 50th birthday. What a way to spend it. Woke up at 6. Feeling withdrawals. Half Zanaflex and lipo c. Couldn’t get back to sleep. Up at 7. Feels like fully WD. I’m only withdrawaling from 1g change, not 10g. Going to be a 3 dose day. Booked 11:30 vaccine appt because I didn’t want 3:30 because that’s dose time. Now I’m at second dose time. Lovely day. Welcome to old age. Welcome to never getting off kratom. 4.5g at 7:40. Feel better from the kratom, but still have a lot of pain and generally feel shitty. Just ordered a couple different reds from the internet. New place I found last night. ATM I have completely lost my motivation to taper/quit and am thinking this is a lifetime thing. Not good, especially since things have been going so well lately. I obviously am not getting pain relief from the table anymore. 3g at 11:10. Got the vaccines. Lots of pain and I don’t really feel much better. It’s 12:15 right now and I’m already thinking of the afternoon dose. Fell asleep on the couch for 1 minute, so that made things better. 2:40 and I’m dying. Still waiting for the afternoon dose. This is terrible. I should have taken GABA or something. A full Zanaflex. I don’t know how much it would have helped. Trying games to get me through to maybe 3:30. Thinking 5.5 ATM with time left to top up if needed. I want to cancel birthday dinner really badly. 50th birthday and I can’t even leave my home. 5.5 at 3:25. Ready to re-dose and cancel dinner. .5 at 4:00. Feeling really shitty. Just canceled dinner. Fucking lovely. I feel so fucking shitty right now for all of this. This jarred red has been flawless until now. It must just be a matter of switching colors/strains. I don’t understand any of it. I have no pain relief anymore and no good feeling from the kratom. I am completely boxed in. If I think about it, I will panic. If I didn’t have so much kratom in me, I would drink my ass off to get through this disaster. Maybe one more re-dose in a bit. Not sure I can afford it. Managed to play TAB. Been suffering through trying to buy time. Now that I’m done at 8:30 and my mind is back on the pain, the panic is about to set in. I’ve had ice on my back all night and I just got up and it feels like my spine has been broken in half. So much fucking pain. Pretty much a 10. I’m crying. Nobody on Twitch. No idea how to get through the next couple hours. I’ll start the Zanaflex right now. Going to be an absolutely lovely night of “sleep”. Please let this get better somehow. If tomorrow is the same way, I have no idea what I’m going to do. Massive amounts of kratom? I guess I have wiggle room. My 6 grams/2 weeks of taper will be gone in 2 days. This is one of the worst days I’ve had pain wise.