Ended with about 4 drinks last night. It’s all a blur. I don’t remember much, thankfully. It was horrifying. I slept OK. Half Zanaflex at 7, but still woke up at 8:15. Still feel very tired. I feel wrecked today. Pain is central. Head feels shitty. No hangover. 6.5g at 9:40. Don’t feel much relief from it. Probably going to be a repeat of yesterday. I probably need to quit the kratom and get back to baseline. Some of this might be caused by the kratom. But you would think more kratom would fix that. It’s not an addiction type of issues. Just my brain exhausted. Unfortunately it would be impossible for me to quit with this level of pain. I’m not sure it would fix anything anyway. OK, decision time. Last night the first 2 or 3 drinks made me feel better. It was difficult to stretch them out through the night and not take too much. It’s 3:00 now. My worry is that I take kratom and drink anyway because it only lasts less than 2 hours like yesterday. In that case it’s not worth taking at all. I don’t think I get much out of skipping 1 dose. Minimum 2 doses helps the tolerance. Plus I don’t want to deal with the inevitable hangover tomorrow, which will probably prevent me from taking kratom in the morning. I’m in a tough spot right now. I need some extra help. 8g kratom? Start drinking at 3? I’ve been couch locked all day today and yesterday. Spent the last 4 hours of the night in bed yesterday. This fucking sucks. I took 8g at 3. Alcohol is such a terrible option. The sleep is terrible and I feel that’s what I need most right now. I probably really need to fit in a day off though. I need to start getting psyched for that. There are maybe 2 days after a day off that work out pretty good. When I get a good day, the last thing I want is to blow it dealing with WDs or the pain that inevitably comes late in the day. And with the pain I’ve been having – even with the kratom, a day off is going to be impossible. Aaand no relief. It’s the end of the bag. Sometimes that matters. Maybe try a different bag tomorrow. Or get ready for the best day ever! All I know is that tonight is going to suck ass again. I really feel up against the wall right now. 5:00 and all I feel is some side effects. No relief from the meds at all. And I sure don’t know where to find actual pain relief. Alcohol will most likely happen. I don’t know whether to take tomorrow off, or try 7.5g of a new bag of kratom. I’ve avoided an actual day off for quite a while with the tapering, which has been nice. Those days are so incredibly painful. Short walk. Wasn’t great, but it felt OK. Mostly just panic avoidance. Chilly outside. I was able to kill the night playing games. I’m kind of paralyzed here, but the night went on OK. Maybe I’m on an upswing. LOL. Still don’t know what to do tomorrow. Even if I use new kratom, I’m still almost maxed. Even if I feel better, it only buys me a couple days. A day off is a good thing and I think I need it. Short walk, light rain. I enjoyed it. I really do feel better. So fucking weird.