Snow today! Fucking hell. Sleep was about the same as the night before. Woke up at 4. Full Zanaflex and 2 GABA. Woke up at 7:45. 5g at 9:40. Probably not enough, but it got me going. I didn’t want to go through last night only to take the same dose this morning. There needs to be a reason for the minor suffering. I don’t know what I’m doing right now with this. Am I quitting, is this just a tolerance break? I feel like I still need the meds for the pain. I wouldn’t mind being off the drugs, but I don’t want to go through all the bullshit only to go right back on the drugs because the pain is terrible. I haven’t committed to anything, which means I probably won’t quit. I think I can just slot back into a taper though. I need to at the very least reduce the amount. A CT would be easier if I go that route. It gives me more wiggle room during flare ups. Short walk in the morning. Was going to do another, but tried the bike instead. 2 minutes later it started blizzarding. Did 45 minutes on the bike, low intensity. Spasm feeling. Felt a drop off at about noon. Low energy. Getting on the bike bypassed that. I’ll take the kratom this pm. I don’t think there is much use in trying only one dose per day. Not at this high of a dose. Maybe at 3g or so it might work. I should probably take tomorrow off. That makes me suffer the day 1 WDs over and over, and I don’t make any progress toward quitting. I need to figure out what I want to do. Maybe this gives me motivation to commit. 5.5g at 3:30. I feel WD type of pain for sure. Not sure how bad my actual pain is. It’s been a good few days, for sure. No relief from the table or braces. If I suddenly had relief from that, I might commit. It might be time to give it another try. I just dread the suffering of the CT quit. Tapering didn’t work. The insomnia alone from this is so brutal. But I do feel better from lower amounts, from putting in some work to quit, less side effects. Medium walk. It kind of hurts, but I feel good in the head. Not high at all, but maybe serotonin surge. I think I might pay for this tomorrow. It will probably also burn out hard at some point. Probably pretty soon. Still thinking about tomorrow off. Doing one offs is probably harder than committing CT full on. I think I’m hurting myself with all the physical effort, but I can’t really feel it. I feel it, but it’s masked. definitely propped up by the drugs. Flood of serotonin or something that masks everything. This is temporary and will collapse. I made the mistake of thinking it was a permanent thing before. 5/5.5 today. Tomorrow could be a taper day, which will probably be difficult, or a day off. What dose after another day off? 4/4.5?? I’ll probably feel like shit tomorrow morning. No pops from the table for days now. No pain relief feeling for a long time. I feel the pain coming back. I feel horror levels mounting. I’m not sure what I’ll get. I’ll try to push through tomorrow morning. If I can get past the first hour, maybe I’ll give it a go. If I feel horror, well. 10:15 and I’m not tired at all.

By Del