Fell asleep after midnight. Extra half Zanaflex. I just could not get to sleep. Lots of energy. Mostly positive. Managed to go to about 8:30. 10 now and haven’t taken the kratom. At first I said no, then I said yes. Took lipo c when I woke up. Then I said I need it. Started convincing myself. The flare up is coming and there is no point quitting when I will have to go right back on it to help deal with the monster flare up. I’m unable to commit. I don’t want to suffer through every other day of CT only to reset the clock. This will be 2 weeks of suffering going through this if it does end up helping me quit. Got in the shower and started laundry, garbage, sheets. I feel less like taking the kratom now. I think the back feels OK. I’m surprised after all the effort yesterday. I don’t feel any kind of serotonin rush right now like I did yesterday evening. I never do in the morning. Usually it’s the complete absence of it that can make me take kratom, regardless of pain levels. The overall yuckiness. I don’t know if I can learn how to take kratom “as needed”. It’s too slippery of a slope. It’s always needed. Taking half days off doesn’t achieve anything. Taking a day off and going back on doesn’t achieve anything but making the kratom more effective. I think the fact that I’m dragging my feet over this means that I really want to quit. Maybe I should listen to that part of myself. I’m suffering today. Back is spasming. WDs are present. Different than most days. Back hurts today I think from the WDs. Not quite noon and I’m struggling. Took half Zanaflex. If I keep occupied I can get to the evening. Then who knows. I might buckle at 3:00. Still don’t know what I’m doing. Passed the fuck out on the couch. Even though I had some Zanaflex in me, it felt like a natural nap. Took a long time to wake up. Maybe hour nap, 45 minute wake up. Felt really good. I don’t get naps on kratom. Rarely need them. Still been a tricky day so far. Sunday was easy up to this point. Back pain is holding out, so I should keep going. Short walk. Very difficult. Hot/cold sweats. I will have had 2-1/2 days off out of 4 after today. Surely tonight will be very difficult. I’m going through WDs now that would be gone through at night. I’m on like day 1.5. At 3:30 it feels like I did at 7 at night on Sunday. About 8 hours left to kill today. Yikes. I think I need to keep going as long as the pain stays at bay. Difficult to discern in the mornings though. And day 2 is always worse for pain. This every other day shit can help, and can maybe get me there, but it draws out the suffering forever. 4/4.5 tomorrow if I dose. Remember also we have gabapentin, prednisone, Flexiril., cannabis, ash, ag, cory. Some helpers for a commit. Just took .5 ag. I’ll take ash tonight. I don’t think ag affects kratom or WDs like ash. 5:00. Pretty rough. Feels like going through a bad hangover. Not super bad, honestly, just difficult. It’s not getting worse, I’m just getting fatigued. Short walk. Hot/cold issues. 6:40 and I suddenly feel a bit better as far as WDs. They seem to have calmed a bit. Still feel exhausted though. Ready to drop and pass out, but the sleep will suck tonight. A real kick in the nuts. First beer at 7:30. I’m freezing. This now feels like a bad man cold. 1g ash, .5g ag 8:30. 3 beers in. Pain is really bad right now. The kind that kratom would ease in a heartbeat. Throughout the day, I was surprised to have very low anxiety. That was a big helper.