Here I go again. I truly don’t know what I’m doing. 11:00 and haven’t dosed yet. Fell asleep fairly early. I was wiped. Had a couple of those convulsive jerks while dozing off. Remembered the gabapentin. It’s for seizures, so maybe it would help? No jerks after that. I drank a ton of water through the night. Very dry mouth and throat. Lots of pain. Hard wake up at 6:30. Bathroom, ibuprofen, half Zanaflex, lipo c. Half Zanaflex at 7. Woke up at 9:45. That last bit of sleep was the best all night. Back hurts, but for some reason I don’t feel like taking the kratom for it. WDs are better at this point than they were 2 days ago. Do I chance it again? Take the gabapentin tonight and make it through without the nightmare of a couple nights ago? For now, I’m just going to ride it out and if I start freaking out from WDs or pain, then I’ll take it. Sort of aimlessly wandering. Fuck it. I feel close, and I clearly want to quit, even though I haven’t committed or decided it. My brain and body are making that decision for me. Short walk. WDs aren’t bad, I’m just exhausted. Kratom definitely picks me up, and without it it makes sense I feel tired. It’s very strong though. Pain is holding out. Just discovered this new Beatles song. Holy fuck, I am in tears. A very rare moment of true beauty in our fucked up world. Went for a short walk after, then watched the short film about it. More tears. So beautiful. Like John Lennon planned it all along. 3:10 now and I haven’t been worried at all about taking kratom. Back is painful, but I’m not too bothered. Haven’t suffered at all today yet, though I feel it coming on. This emotion and nostalgia has now triggered the depression increase. I’m now feeling WDs from day 1, plus the depression from days 2,3,4. Just took an extra SamE. Some cold sweats. No drugs this pm. Here we go. It’s difficult, but I’m not suffering. Most days when the pain is bad, I almost look forward to sleeping (albeit by drugging myself). That fixes some problems and it ends the difficult day finally. I’m totally fine with what I feel today, but knowing that tonight will be a shit show makes things much harder. Short walk. Pretty difficult. The worst part of the daytime is the exhaustion and tiredness. I don’t know how to get over that. Then the nights suck. That makes me dread going through the days because these bad nights follow. Thinking about Jack Kerouac for some reason. Maybe the Beatles song did it. Making me emotional. Thinking of his books that influenced me so much back in the day. So emotional to me. Listened to Bixby Canyon Bridge. Remembering my time there when I wanted to scale the ravine to get to the creek and retrace Jack’s and Ben’s steps. Opened up One Fast Move or I’m Gone. I used to love this stuff soo much. I haven’t been able to feel it for so long. Rough day, for sure, but I had more emotion today than I have in the last year it seems. I wish I was able to play music like these guys. I wish I was creative outside of making beer. That led me to thinking about painting. I wanted to paint in this moment. Today had some wonderful moments. 5 beers BTW.;)