Another shit show of a night. Lots of central apnea. I don’t know where that comes from. Maybe the corydalis. No alcohol yesterday. I had about 3 or 4 hours of that. Impossible to sleep with it. Took half a Zanaflex at like 4, then again at 6 or something. It amazes me that I can be so tired and exhausted, but my sleep tank is somehow full and I can’t sleep. Just amazing how much of a shitshow it is for me every night. Pain was super bad at that point. Was sweating a lot through the night for some reason. Ended up sleeping until 9. Took 4.5g of the older green at 9:50. I feel relief right now. I am breathing. Pain is still bad and still there, but I have some relief finally from the kratom. I didn’t get this kind of relief yesterday. I feel like this will burn out quickly. I might take 3 doses today if I have to. I have no more ability to suffer right now. I am burnt. That wonderful feeling of relief is already gone by 11:30. There is still relief though. I’m just so fucking burned out that it’s affecting me more than it maybe would. Pain has been so unbearably bad lately that I have a lot to make up for. Finally upright, showered, ate. 1:00 and it’s a bit of a struggle. My god am I beat to fuck. 6g at 2:30. Barely touching the pain. I haven’t had a proper pain relieving day for ages. Like I felt this morning, but for 5 hours. Not even 5 and I feel awful. Quitting drugs doesn’t help, more drugs doesn’t help. I don’t know what to do. Short walk. 6:30 now and I’m losing it. Will I hit crisis mode? Dad just called and I dodged it. I dodged dinner tonight. Again. Funny, I feel more depression and anxiety now than I did during the quit. Short walk. SUPER slow. I needed to GTFO of the house. Some piss and vinegar. Some psych avoidance. Had 3 rums. Mellowed me out a lot. It gave me some relief. Back still hurts a lot, but I’m thankful for this bit of relief. I know it won’t work tomorrow though. Nothing is ever consistent.