Decent sleep finally, but I had a raging headache through the night. Woke up a bunch from pain. It’s so uncomfortable to sleep. I don’t know how to fix that. Just the worst thing you can get. Took half Zanaflex at like 6:30, woke up just before 9. 5g at 9:50. Not much of an effect. Short walk, very hard. Have diarrhea now for some reason. Not sure where that and the headache came from. My teeth hurt a bit, so maybe I was clenching. Overall pain feels better for the sleep. Still not back to a good place though. Pain is probably still central. Started feeling a touch better. Short walk. Right when I started walking, I felt better. Felt run down by the end of the walk though. I was second guessing my quit. Maybe I could have used cannabis, hydroxizine, Flexiril. Knocked myself out for the day. I didn’t even think of any of those. I hate all of them. Even with that, in a few days, the next flare up will come. This one has been about 4 days already. If it’s only 4 days, and guaranteed 4, I can maybe make it with weed and alcohol. But it takes me 4 days to recover from all the shitty things I have to do to get through those bad 4 days. There is no way to win. 6g at 3:30. Tried a walk, but turned into a church walk. I don’t feel any effect at all at home now. Played some D2. I sucked. Medium walk. Felt much better. There was a point where I said “I can feel all the pain, but I just don’t care.” Obviously that means I’m high, but what concerns me more is how much damage am I doing by overdoing it? I didn’t actually feel high either. I did feel like I had a lot of energy. That’s the same thing I felt months ago during the ketamine time. Does the pain just rob me of energy? Why doesn’t caffeine help then? I know I’m missing a lot of sleep. During the CT quit, I felt super low energy. Exhausted. That all checks out. I don’t know how that helps me. Right now I wish I was off the drugs. I feel better enough to say that. I’m not ready to go another 5 days trying to quit. Today is 4 days back on. I’m sure I would go through all the WDs full force again. I just don’t see how I can get through a quit with the lack of sleep, the increase in pain, and the inevitable flare up just around the corner. I would need at least 2 weeks totally clean before I could manage taking kratom to treat flare ups. I maybe would have been back on it for 3-1/2 days this time. I might be able to do that if I was starting from clean. Maybe not. I feel like I have a better handle on it now, but the lows are much lower than ever. I think I could manage about 5 days on kratom before I start dealing with WDs, but again, that’s from totally clean. And even on good days, I still spend my entire day on the couch counting seconds. Church walk. I’m feeling antsy. And very bored. After counting seconds all day, every day, I need to bust out and do something else. It’s all so easy to talk about when I feel good. Or even decent. Managed to not get a huge drop off tonight. Not a great day, but a hell of a lot better than the last week and a half. I so wish I could get by like this drug free. I ordered more stupid supplements. Magnesium and magnesium oil, DLPA. The corydalis and devil’s claw are out. If I feel decent tomorrow, I should probably taper. Maybe 4.5g in the morning., or 5 then 5.5. I need to keep it limited, although I think a single day off a week might be more powerful. It’s all so easy to sit here and think I can quit, or cut down, or get by without anything, but when I wake up, the pain is through the roof. Or a flareup hits. Even when I just put away my ice pack, things started hurting more. I can’t spend too much time sitting. Even with the drugs. It’s really bad. I need the meds, unfortunately. And I fucking hate it. I don’t want drugs. I looked at the ketamine today. I almost wish I took it a few days ago. Crazy. That would not have gone well. I’m at the point where I kind of would rather do that than kratom.