A bit hard to get to sleep. I felt pretty good last night. I’ll admit, it was a bit too much. Lots of pain relief and serotonin surging. That is only going to burn out fast, but fuck did I need it. Now I need more, naturally. Half Zanaflex at 7, woke up at 8:30. Pain is better than normal this morning, but it’s there. It’s much more muddied than it was last night. Very localized last night. I could pinpoint areas. Now it’s muddied up together. I guess that helps develop the pain score. I’d have to call last night a 6 then. Today a 7. Thinking about taking today off. I would love to keep yesterday’s good feeling going though. Walk, game. I don’t want to be on the couch all day and end up drinking to get through. Tried 750mg DLPA at 10:15. I’m not looking forward to this day off after the ridiculous 2 weeks I just had. I don’t feel anything from that DLPA. ATM I’m thinking of an afternoon dose. I’m so fucking tired. I want to sleep. Short walk. Noon now. It’s actually OK. I know I could be doing more with the kratom, but I know I need to take days off for tolerance breaks and to make the meds work better. It hurts a bit, but my head is good. No suffering yet. That didn’t last long. 6g at 12:40. Suffering ramped up really bad after I took off the ice pack. Not sure if this is enough this late in the day. I wasn’t prepared for a day off, and it’s too close to feeling god awful. Right now the mild WDs are making me spasm and causing lots of pain. I could have had a good day instead! I should have had a taper day (if anything) in retrospect. That 6g I think did the job. Eased the tension and the WD pain. Relaxed me. Medium walk. I don’t see how I can take an afternoon dose now. I have fucked up that timing. I still feel what’s in me. It will have to carry me through. If I end up feeling like I did last night, then I don’t need anything else. I’m zooming right now. 5:00. I think this will hold me all night. I still have bad pain though. I really wonder if the pain stays the same, but the way the meds hit my brain changes all the time. The bad days are just drop offs from the meds. Hangovers. I know I legit have flareups. Bad days and better days, so it’s not that simple. Makes me think though. Short walk. Drop off at 6:30. Hard. Even feeling good last night and into today, I’m in tons of pain and it will be a hard night. There is no quitting these drugs. There is no real pain relief. Only a short respite. I can do whatever I can to make that a longer respite. I don’t think there is any point quitting kratom right now. None. Nothing until the pain is ‘cured’. I need my days off here and there for tolerance break. Right now I want to take advantage of the good days and get back on track. More exercise especially. Better sleep. Quitting will just be a waste of effort. Unnecessary pain. I should taper when I can. Take the days off when I have to or when they arise. Don’t force it, because the pain is ALWAYS there. Never ending. I’m not going to get back to the real world just by stopping my pain meds. The pain will still be there. I’m not going to suddenly be able to magically get tons of exercise or something just because I’m off the drugs. The only choice is to take different drugs to dull the pain so I can achieve the same goal. As bad as kratom is, it’s probably the most innocuous of all my choices. 750mg DLPA at about 7. The table isn’t helping me today. I guess it works with the pain meds. Almost in a panic state over the pain. I don’t feel WDs. Just pain that’s over my limit I guess. After such a long shit streak, I should have treated the pain today. I hope this doesn’t derail me. Church walk. Rum. Pain is really bad. But I guess local. 5 drinks in the end.