Went to sleep with the inflatable brace on. That both helped and hurt at the same time. I ripped it off in the morning and took ibuprofen. Fell asleep late. Woke up at 7:45. 5.5g at 9:40. Not much response from it. Pain is strong, but manageable. It’s very difficult to make the transition from having the pain meds help you, to carrying the full load yourself. Especially after nasty flare ups. I think I made it through the fuck up, but it cost me 2 days. And today isn’t great. No desire to go for a walk. Did emissions test on car. That’s my limit. It’s so sad that I sometimes think I’m feeling better, but I can’t go without meds, and I have no tolerance for any kind of activity. Could I even work a retail job sitting on my ass? Nope. Been watching Doctor Who. It’s triggering my psychosis. It doesn’t take much. Some pain and a reminder. I need to be careful with that. 6g at 3:20. I don’t feel anything from it. I managed to get through yesterday OK. I think I’ll manage today. It hasn’t been crisis level. Started raining, so I did the bike. 25 minutes. Low energy. Made me realize I need to keep moving. I know it takes a lot of motivation, and a lot of energy from the reserves to get started, but I need to do it. Whether I want to or not. If I feel better, I just can’t lay on the couch and expect things to just get better. I need to exert the energy and make it happen. Another easier said than done thing, but I gotta keep it in my mind. Maybe if I feel good in the morning, get in the shower and go. Don’t wait for the meds to kick in. Keep moving. Tapering might get me off the meds, but even if I do that, I’m still a potato. Be a shark and keep moving. Short walk in the hiking boots. SI joints are hurting a lot. I feel disgusted with myself right now. I’ve put on some weight in the last few weeks. I’m always craving something, and I can never satisfy it. So much sugar, fat, salt. It’s this addiction syndrome type of thing. I don’t even crave kratom. I just crave ‘something’. I don’t think it matters what it is. Just put it in my mouth. I need to get some vegetables in me. I think I need to go v word again. Dropping weight would help my back a lot. I don’t have the discipline to do it. And of course when I try to get exercise, I end up with a one week flare up that fucks everything up. Aaand as I say that, I fear I overdid it again somehow. It’s really hurting now. Table makes it feel very sore. I might have another shitty day tomorrow. Lovely. Yeah, back is hurting a lot. Sharp and deep. How can I keep moving if I can’t move? How do I move past this?