Up for 3 hours over night. Woke up in a panic attack. Pissed for fucking up that SNAP application. I don’t know what I’m doing. I don’t have full control. The cracks were widening last night before sleep. This is how I felt when this all started a year ago. I didn’t have any good days. I cracked bad before too long. How have I gone this long without any kind of relief? This is insane. I am turning insane. Took a Tamazepam. and nothing. Full Zanaflex and ibu, and finally sleep. Woke up at 10. 6g at 10:10. No relief. I am seriously losing it right now. Had to go ship an item. Then Trader Joe’s. That fucking hurt bad. Where are these decent days or streaks I’ve been having since like October? Nothing for almost 2 weeks. I feel like I’m on psychedelic drugs. A trip that just won’t fucking end. Dissociative. It’s been a while since I’ve felt that. This worries me so much. Anxiety is super high. Sleep is terrible. I have been ‘getting by’ by drugging myself back to sleep at 7am for the last several weeks. Can’t even manage that anymore. There is nothing good here. I’m at the end of the bag of kratom. I’ll start a new bag this pm to test the thought that the end of the bag is always bad. Grasping at straws. I guess I need a day off. I usually get better results after that. I am in such a fucked up place right now though, that a day off would be very nearly impossible. Had a small pop in just the right place on the table a while ago. I think I feel slightly better. 7g of new green at 3:20. It tasted slightly red. Different from the last stuff. Maybe it’s actually fresher? Probably it’s worse. Finally ate. Feel better for that. 4:45 and feeling better. Catching my breath. Please last for more than an hour. Finished the SSD application. the website says my brand new application was reviewed in 2005 somehow. Everything is broken. Everything is designed for failure. Also will take 300+ days to review (deny). Now I need to photocopy all the records I have and send them in. I don’t think I’ll bother with the 20 year old stuff. Unfortunately I don’t have much now. I’ll need to find a copy shop and mail it from there. Still hanging in there. I couldn’t have done this yesterday. I needed some wiggle room. I wish I had done this 6 months ago, although I thought you needed 1 year. I could have checked. SNAP website is broken of course. I want to delete my application and start over. Feel like I need alcohol. I’m fucking spent. Not sure I can work while waiting for SSD. Appeals can be up to 2 fucking years. How is that OK? You can make less than a certain amount, but I don’t know about while waiting for the initial approval (denial). Maybe I can find some cash work. Selling ass hole door to door maybe. I can’t be reliable enough to do anything though. Another small pop on the table at night. Unreal how when they come, they come, and I feel better. When they don’t, they don’t, and I feel terrible. I need them to come when the pain ramps up, not when it’s OK.