Pain was bad last night, but not as bad as night before. Sleep was rough. I think apnea. Half zanny at 6. Wake up 8. Horror. Stayed in bed for an hour. Couldn’t walk when I got up. Pain was preventing it. Hobbled over to my cane. Using that now. I have no idea how I’m going to get through today. I’m not ready for this level of pain. 7g Vietnam at 9:30. No help by 10:30. Strap in, it’s gonna be a rough one. Been zoning out on laptop. Looking at gaming laptops again for some reason. Barely hanging on. Just took 1g of dlpa for some reason. Let’s see what that does. Been using the cane inside today. After not being able to walk straight out of bed, I’m kind of being careful. I doubt I would game on a laptop any more than my desktop. I would like a bit more power on a laptop for what I use it for. I’m super worried about money though. 8g Vietnam at 3:20. No effect in 30 minutes. I would re-dose, but I don’t think half a gram 45 minutes later will do anything. Managed to jump in the shower while I felt slightly better. Cooked something quick in air fryer. Gotta do these things while I can. Was on the phone with Comcast and started having minor panic. Just went for a church walk. I am so fucking sick of this madness. It never stops. I think I’m feeling better sometimes, but I’m clearly not. It’s just a cycle that keeps continuing. I want the madness to stop, but it won’t. I want to work, but I can’t. I constantly worry about money. I am so broke. I am selling out my future to get by day to day. The only thing I can focus on all day long is the pain. Nothing else. I want off these meds, but can’t. I cannot get by without them. I think I’m crazy with them. At least I’m aware I’m crazy. When I’m truly crazy like I have been in the past, I don’t realize it. I’ve spent all my effort avoiding that state. I’ve mostly succeeded, but I’m constantly straddling that line. And I’m constantly aware of it, which makes it constantly painful. I can’t will it away. I can’t wish it away. I can’t hard work it away. All I can do is suffer. Constantly. And I’m fucking tired. Mustered up some piss and vinegar and cleaned the stove. I though It would take my mind off things. Something mundane and routine. It hurts like a motherfucker. Hurts a lot. Now that’s all I can think of. Can’t will my way past it.