Sleep wasn’t great. Can’t remember much somehow. Woke up at 8. Borderline horrifying. So funny I thought I could taper and normalize yesterday. How am I still this stupid after all this time? Stayed in bed to 9:30. 6.5g at 9:30. Lord help me. Drugs helped. Making an effort to not be comatosed. Not able to game. Kind of need to go to the store. Need to psych myself up for that. Went to Meijer. Had some sort of sneaky suspicion I would run into mom sooner or later there. Ran into her – I think. 15 feet away. She looked right at me, but didn’t notice me. Thank fuck for that. Saw her a couple more times around the store. Managed to avoid her. It rattled me though. Really got the adrenaline going. Not a good thing. Kind of wore me out. Also I spent a lot more time at the store than expected trying to stall. Only 1:15. Ahh. Maybe drug myself to sleep day. Nah. 2:45 and I’m starting to feel a little desperate. Laying on ice pack. 7.5g at 3:20. Almost made it. Please work. Headache is back. Every day now. 6:00 and I feel like I have peaked. Feeling squirmish already. Been surviving. Realized this new knife I got has to go back. It’s terrible. I don’t know why I do this. Part of the sickness I have. Part of being so boxed in. I’m trying to experience life, but I can’t do it properly. I’ve been thinking about how this is my life now. It’s everything I feared. The constant cycle of horror is my life. Nothing more. Like a never ending, terrifying ketamine trip. The first doctor told me, “Don’t worry, it’s just a drug, it will wear off.” Now I feel the same thing, constantly, for months at a time. And it never wears off. I am unable to see what sanity is like. What a normal life would be like. I can only experience the madness and never ending, always repeating cycle. Pain, madness, awakening, pain, madness… Help. Now I spend my day looking at gaming laptops again. Why? I couldn’t even say. But I have to look constantly. Because that will fix everything, right? Of course not. The madness continues. Played games. Mostly a ‘fuck you’ sort of attitude. Lots of pain. I’m so fucking tired. Right now I need tons of mental strength, but I have absolutely none.