Half bottle of pink wine. Sleep was actually decent. Full zanny at 6:30 I think. Woke up 9:20. 6.5g at 9:45. It took until I had a shower, then ice pack before I started feeling better. Did the table and it hurt, but I think a lot of it was soft tissue. I can deal with that. Very important to keep up with that. I see how easy it is to stop or reduce. My breathing was super irregular most of the day yesterday and this morning. It finally normalized after the ice pack. Cooking food right now. Suddenly I was hungry and wanted something decent. I tipped at 1. Went for the table again. Had the slightest hint of relief when I first tilted back. I’m going to save that as optimism. It faded immediately, of course. Put on some icy hot and that got me through 30 minutes. Kind of. All I can do is try to get through the next few minutes. Then focus on the next few. I can’t see beyond that. 2:00 now. 1.5 hours left. Been feeling hungry. Started PC. Maybe getting better? How I hate to jinx it. 30 minutes away from more drugs. Can’t wait. 7.5g at 3:25. Not that much of a response from it. Just like this morning, put the ice pack on and feel some pain relief. I wonder if that burns through the endorphin power of the kratom faster. Still recovering from yesterday. That was one motherfuck of a day. Went to the store and got more rum. I’m kind of happy I got out of the house, but I also kind of regret it. My breathing is still fucked up. This shit really hurts. I need to come up for air. I truly don’t know how I’ve survived the last 2 months. And we’re at the 2 month mark. Pure torture, pure hell. Rum after 8. Just thinking how I’m stuck in this psychotic loop and can’t fucking break out of it. I have no fucking idea what I am doing. I have no fucking clue how to get out of this, how to pay my rent, how to get better. 4 rums. Did a table session and holy fucking shit did that hurt. It was horrifying. I’m working under the assumption of ‘no pain no gain’ with that table. This will pay off, right? Cuz fuck me, I can’t do that again.