4 ciders last night. Sleep was the best in a while. Half zanny, wake up 8:15. 6.5g at 9:30. I don’t feel any better today. I also feel totally drained. I put out a lot of effort over the last couple weeks trying to get a good routine going, trying to feel better, and nothing helped. Nothing good happened. I’m fucking tired. I’m exhausted. I have nothing left. The table isn’t working anymore. I’m so fucked. I don’t know how to get out of this. Every time I expend effort, it fails miserable. Probably the only thing that would possibly help me right now is a surgery. Doing that in Mexico is probably my best bet. I don’t want to make bad decisions when I’m in a compromised mental state. It will be a fuckload of money that I don’t have. But it’s an investment. It gets me back to work and helps me earn money again. Though if it fails, then I just sold out my future. 7.5g at 3:30. No positive effect. Gonna be a tough night. The table felt OK. actually. No nasty pain down low. No relief either though. Had a headache all day. Again. That’s common now. 5:30 and I’m already struggling. Feeling the side effects. Right on time. Always at 2 hours post dose. Hot, mildly nauseous. This headache is getting worse. I feel like I’ve lost my mind already. I have no clue what the fuck is going on with my life. I have no control. Please fucking help. Feeling panicky. Just a little. Gonna try to play some games to see if I can distract myself. I wanted to earlier, but couldn’t sit upright. I can’t now either, but laying down is feeling so fucking claustrophobic. Games went OK. Lots of pain, but it killed the panic. I did 2 long sessions on the table today. I had been doing several shorter ones because it was hurting. That’s probably the same trap I fell into months ago. I’ll try 2 or 3 long sessions, no matter how much it hurts. Not counting the short morning stretch. Still though, please fucking help. I am not OK.