Great sleep until 4, then loads of wake ups. Half zanny at 7, wake up at 9. 7g at 9:45. I had the idea today of blogging. I always say nothing good comes from this pain and from this madness. All I do is suffer in silence and loneliness. I beg all the people I know for help and nobody does anything. Maybe sharing with other people can somehow help them, and maybe memorializing my constant struggles will help our broken health care system or something. Maybe a doctor will read it and realize how little they know about pain management and they will try harder, or actually listen to their patients and take them seriously. Probably nobody will help me, but maybe someone else out there will get the help they need. All this suffering could do some good somehow out there. For example, when doctors give me an injection of lidocaine and then immediately ask if the pain is better. This notion is completely nonsensical. How am I going to be brought out of shock and have years worth of pain erased instantly and feel immediately better while putting large amounts of liquid on top of nerves? The fact that they even ask means they don’t understand pain, yet they are the ones that are there to “help” me. Maybe explaining it to the world can bring about some sort of change of thinking. Doubtful, unfortunately. But why not try. Using a laptop on my lap while laying on the couch is about the only thing I can do. Well, enough time has gone by for the kratom to do something, and it hasn’t done a thing. I feel completely paralyzed right now from this pain. I feel cross eyed from it. Holy shit it’s bad. This is horrifying. 10:40. Great start to the day. Just did the table and I could barely walk after. Laying on ice pack right now. Still can’t move. It took everything I had to get on the table. Once again, I start to realize that nothing helps and I’m still in this dissociative cycle like a strong ketamine trip. I keep thinking I have it figured out now. I got this. Doing it this way instead of that way, yes, that’s what’s going to do it. Everything will be all right now. Pure copium. I am a copium addict. That sums it up nicely. Nothing works, there is no hope, I am not sane, I am not getting better, there is nothing that will help. I am not OK. The only thing that ever helped was the inversion table, and now that doesn’t work anymore. Maybe I get 1 or 2 semi-decent days a week if I’m lucky. No good days, no actual improvement, no actual pain relief. 8.5g at 3:20. Gonna be heavy side effects tonight. Finally managed to hit the shower at 4:15. Haven’t eaten today. Need to take advantage of the 1 hour window of feeling less than horrifyingly bad in order to eat. 6:30, back horizontal. That’s all I get for the rest of the day. About 2 hours of being able to breath for the whole day, plus being maxed out on meds. Suddenly developing a massive headache in the back of my head. No clue where that came from. This has the potential to be a migraine tomorrow. I was just very close to passing out. It actually felt calm. Normally it’s sheer panic. That was odd. 9:00, still plenty of time to go.