I’m just so fucking done. I keep feeling like I’m fighting back, but I’m not. This fucking dissociative loop keeps fucking going. I have no control over it, or myself. I get through the days on pure autopilot. All my effort goes into preventing full on psychosis. Except now I straddle the line and it’s so very blurred and I don’t have a fucking clue what’s happening. Please, somebody fucking help me. 4 beers last night. I remember feeling the heady effects, and feeling the severe pain underneath. If I didn’t have the alcohol in me, the pain would have been completely horrifying. 6.5g at 9:50. I got nothing. I thought I would take advantage of the drugs and go to the store. Holy fucking shit. I was cooked before I even got there. I almost fell in the store, and again at home. Not sure if I was passing out or just that weak. We hit a 10. Just took a Zanaflex at 12:45 and hitting the bed hoping to pass the fuck out. Whew, that was something. Kind of passed out, kind of was mostly awake. So much pain I need to pass out, so much pain that I can’t. I do feel better for it though, albeit groggy. 7.5 at 3:30. Side effects are already fading at 6:15. Feeling super desperate. Took 50mg of Lyrica. I might start taking that every day again. I’m on my last fill. It’s when I started taking it that things went tits up. About 10 days later, and never went back to normal. No clue how I get through this evening if things don’t improve somehow. This is one of the toughest nights I’ve had in a bit. I guess I’ve had a few good days in a row, so these bad days always seem worse. And 9s and 10s are always just impossible to deal with. I am borderline panicked. Pain is ridiculously bad. My god. Rum at 8:15. First one helped a lot. Now of course it starts dropping off so fast. I hate this stuff. Just made accounts for web host and gofundme. Having some ideas. I think 5 drinks total. I kind of started fading out. Thank fuck for that. Watched Dual Spires on Psych. Such a great episode. Alcohol can get me out of shock, but boy is there a tremendous price. I’ll find that out throughout the night and tomorrow morning especially. Let’s play some games now! Ha ha. I wish. Time to finally pass out. Thank fuck for passing out.