Feeling a slight bit of horror first thing this morning. The spine feels like it’s been cracked in half, then stacked back on top of each other with some duct tape. Straight on the ice pack. That helped a lot. Pants on and upright by 10:30. That’s a miracle right there, but if you add in the rough start to the morning, it becomes an amazing start to the day. It’s going to be really hot today, and I hate the heat. Heat is usually terrible for my spine, but I sometimes have really good days when it’s stupid hot outside. I’ve never understood that. I guess it’s because I’m miserable in the heat, and I always need to be miserable for some reason. Going to try a church walk before it gets hot. I won’t dare do a longer walk early in the day anymore. I’ve been burned by that too many times recently.
Did a short walk, and I instantly regret it. That feeling of chef’s knives deep in my butt cheeks was very strong today. Lots of grinding in the SI joints. I think that’s about all the physical activity I can risk for the day. And only 3 hours after I said I won’t dare a daytime walk. I never learn.
Pain put me horizontal at 5:30. Amazing how it knocks me down so quickly and easily. Pain is ramping up. Ever since that walk, but I imagine the cycle would have come around again right about now anyway. It always does. This feeling of a dissociative state is always with me. Repeating over and over. I feel like I have good days, but it always pulls me right back in to the void. I can’t snap out of it. I can’t break free. I’m reaching my hand out into the darkness and hoping someone grabs it and pulls me out.