Yesterday evening brought a lot of anxiety, and it ended in a proper panic attack. Thankfully those aren’t super common for me, because they are so very difficult to get through. I had a hard time staying asleep because of it, and I feel pretty burnt this morning. Better, but burnt. The anxiety is still with me a bit, but it’s more a matter of a sort of hangover from the panic attack. I need to get to the store. One thing about the really horrible days is that I have to play catch up the next day. I have to recover, try to make up the exercise and diet, do all the errands I need. It becomes overwhelming. That could tip me back so easily. I have to switch from focusing on every minute of the day, just getting through them, to focusing on the tasks I have to do. Church walk.
Went to Walmart finally. It was difficult, but manageable. I had an ice pack on the whole time. The anxiety has given way to depression now. I feel super depressed atm. This will pass, but it’s always hard to deal with. It’s not just the pain, anxiety, depression, it’s the hangover effects as well. Super bad pain days always leave me burnt out for at least the next day. It’s so hard to recover from it and get back on my feet and get moving forward again. When I get weeks or months of horrible days without a break, it’s just about impossible to start moving again.
Just did a short walk. It was difficult, but I’m filled with piss and vinegar today. I am tired of being laid out by pain. Tired of not getting to do anything I want to do. Tired of not being able to even go outside. Tired of the depression and anxiety rearing its ugly face right when I’m at my worst. Tired of not being able to eat well because I can’t get to the store or I can’t physically stand and cook something. I feel penned in, like a caged animal. It makes me feel claustrophobic. Staring at the same 4 walls all day, every day. I’ll pay dearly for that walk, but I don’t care right now. It’s a sort of “fuck you” to my pain.
Another short walk. It hurts. Feels good to get outside though. I really need that. It’s nice to find that min-max point with maximum outside time or doing things I enjoy, with minimal pain. Today has no balance. Another short walk. I know I’ll be punished hard for this. No good effort goes unpunished for me.