Just looking at the date and realizing I’ve been on this whole snake oil cure thing for the fibromyalgia for over a month, and yesterday was one of the worst days I’ve had. First it was dietary changes, then it was magnesium. Everything has failed. The fibromyalgia always comes back, and it always wins. Every single time. The days tick by, more money is spent so I can just survive. I inch closer and closer to bankruptcy. The fibro is still there. Still as strong as ever. Still crippling me. Still keeping me locked to my bed or my couch. Still keeping me prisoner. More time lost. More of my life lost. More struggling for absolutely nothing. I’m not struggling to progress, or to help others. I struggle just to survive through my days. I can only focus on how to get through the next few minutes. The psychotic, dissociative loop continues. These are the days where I wonder just how far gone I am sanity wise. Because I thought I was better, but I’m actually in the exact same place, so where the hell was I for the last week? I don’t really know what’s going on and I have no control of my life. Passing out twice in one day from pain is simply insanity. No human or animal should ever have to go through that – especially on a regular basis. Why can’t anyone see there is something severely wrong here and why won’t anyone do something about it?
Went for a short walk after lunch. That was brutal. It takes me a day or two to recover from the insanely difficult days. I lose a lot of the progress I just made. I have to start over. Even if it’s 4 days on and 2 days off, I still lose 2 days to recovery and restarting the routine, so at best it’s really just breaking even. Add to that how insane it is to constantly restart and make a comeback again, then again, then again, then again, and that drains the majority of the motivation and mental energy. I know I will only be punished for trying to do the right thing and fight. It WILL end badly. 100% guarantee. So why on earth would I even try?
Short walk after dinner. It went better than earlier, but I’m still at that point where I don’t even want to try. I’m mostly just really bored. I get anxiety over being held prisoner in my bed. When the pain is super bad, I can’t move at all. Being locked in place is terrible. I haven’t even been able to play video games today. I don’t know how I’m managing the walks if I can’t even play games. Just wake me up 1 day after a doctor actually gets off their ass and treats my pain with a procedure I need.