Pretty much the same kind of sleep as the night before. Fibromyalgia is borderline horrifying this morning. It felt like it let up a tiny bit last night, but it was still really strong. As crappy as this morning is, I think this day can turn around and end up being OK. I need to get myself to the grocery store today. One of the difficult parts about eating nothing but fruits and vegetables is you have to get to the store every 3 or 4 days. This is one of the reasons I have been unable to eat a healthy diet. Pain like this prevents me from even getting out of bed, so how do I get all the way to the store?
I’m now trying to figure out what the hell happened yesterday. It was a top 5 worst flare ups ever, and that was with a great diet. I was completely out of my mind. I would not have been able to drive a car. I had trouble using a computer. I was completely stupid and clumsy. It seems like there’s something else going on besides fibromyalgia. There are no reasons for any of the flares in the last week. The flare yesterday gave me serious neurological problems. I really wish I had help figuring these things out. I wish doctors did their jobs and diagnosed problems properly and treated those issues as well. I shouldn’t be completely on my own, flying blind with issues like these. What a shame our healthcare system is so terrible in the U.S. Patients don’t have a chance.
Just took a shower in the hope I can get to the store today. I was crying when I got out. I thought I was going to collapse on the bathroom floor from the pain. I was seeing white light around the periphery of my vision. This is so fucking horrifying. I thought this day might get better, but so far it’s almost as bad as yesterday. I’m just not recovering at all. Probably tipping backwards even. What a fucking mess.
I just tried to get up to see if I could somehow get to the store and I fell hard onto the couch. I wish I would just pass out already and get it all over with and get that reset I obviously need. This feels like the worst hangover of my life, plus an insane level of pain. This is a proper 11/10 level of pain. The only food I have in my house has gluten, which probably is killing me, but I can’t get to the store for a massive flare. This is why I haven’t committed to this diet. It leaves me high and dry when I need food the most. But then again, apparently all the other stuff I have might be causing flare ups anyway, so I guess I’m just fucked every which way. This is the rock-and-a-hardplace sort of shit pain patients have to deal with on a constant basis. How the fuck can I even begin to worry about something like a job when I can’t even figure out how I’m going to eat today. And you know what? Fuck it. I don’t have a fucking appetite anyway from this fucking pain, so I guess I won’t eat anything anyway. There. I solved it. Perfect. So sick of this bullshit.
Medications haven’t touched the pain even a tiny bit. These 2 days have been so absolutely fucking horrifying. I can’t even put it into words. This isn’t a top 5 flare, it’s a top 2. It’s only 5:30 and I have no idea how I’m going to get through the rest of the day. This is going to be a loooong fucking evening. I just can’t see how this is a normal thing. This has frightened me to the point where I think it’s something far above and beyond fibromyalgia. This flare started after one of the best days I’ve had in months. Low pain, low exertion, great diet. There is just no reason imaginable to cause this. How the fuck can I live with this happening completely at random? It’s absolutely impossible. I’m afraid to go to sleep on good days because I might wake up like I did yesterday.