Last night and right now I’m feeling like I’m losing it mentally. A different type of losing it than normal. I’m so fatigued. Even though lately I’ve had more days upright and even some gaming time in, it’s not much, and the cumulative effect of the massive amount of shitty days is really crushing me. I don’t know what I need at this point other than pain relief and time. Even with low fibromyalgia levels, the spine pain is super high and intense, and everything causes more pain. I’m constantly on edge worrying about flaring up because of over-activity, even though there’s hardly any activity. Even PT exercises can so easily push me over the edge. I’m fatigued from trying to walk that razor’s edge. I’m fatigued from trying over and over and then failing every time.
I’m not failing because of lack of effort, but because of the randomness of fibro flares. How can you fight something so completely random? How can you plan for it or avoid it when there’s no rhyme or reason to it? Every time I put out effort, I burn mental energy reserves, and when it fails, then I’m left in the negative, plus a shit ton of pain on top of it. When you live your days saying, “I don’t know how I’m going to get through today”, there’s only so much of that you can handle. And when you go through it over and over, the exhaustion piles up. It then takes longer to dig up that pile once you do feel decent. It would take me a year of decent days just to dig up the pile of bad days I have stacked up. I don’t have the ability to look or plan that far ahead, but I can certainly feel the weight of it all crushing me.
The current fibro flare is a solid medium, but pushing major. It’s not as bad as that monster flare 2 weeks ago. Once the flares get to the mid level, it takes a couple days to get past it. Today is worse than yesterday, and it’s going to get worse before it gets better. I can already feel that happening by 10am. So hard to get started on your days when you know it’s a shit day, and only getting worse, by 10am.
Yep, we’re at a full on flare now. It only took an hour to go from medium to terrible. At this point, I’ll end up being in this flare for several more days now. Please fucking help me get rid of this pain. I’m going to have to miss a family event this evening. I was looking forward to it. Missing out on more important things in my life, once again. This is just so brutal sitting hear watching this ramp up and not being able to do a damn thing about it. I’m completely helpless, even though I know it’s happening. I also have to sit here knowing the next several days are going to be pure hell. How the fuck do I even get through today knowing it will be horrifying for the next few days?
I couldn’t go to my family thing because I’m so spaced out. I don’t feel OK to drive. I pulled some food out of the fridge and started cutting the packaging and throwing away the food. It’s amazing how this disease can scramble your brains. So quickly and efficiently. I finally ate something at about 4:30. That’s it for the day. Happy to have my one meal and some vertical time, but it’s back to horizontal by 7:00. I’ve been watching TV all day and I couldn’t tell you what I watched. I just can’t pay enough attention to even know.
Whew. Hard pass out from pain a little after 8. I kept waking up and passing right back out like 7 or 8 times in a row. Very slowly snapping out of it. Today escalated really quickly. A lot of times when I pass out like this, the pain starts slowly getting better. It really rings my bell for the rest of the day though.