Boy I’ve been having some kind of day today. Full of piss an vinegar. I stayed up late last night playing games. Still woke up early. My spine was stressed so much it started becoming numb. I would need another day or two before I could call it sore. So what did I do? Played more games starting at 11:00. Still freaking out from the pain. Still pushing it to a numb state.

I just have no ability to deal with the pain and fibromyalgia flares anymore. I’m so fucking sick of it. I’m sick of having absolutely no control over it. I’m never able to do the one thing I really want to do. So I’m doing it anyway. This is the equivalent of trying super hard to fight the fibro. Almost like mounting a comeback. I will pay dearly for this. But I think at least this will somehow give me a little mental energy. At the very least it’s a distraction from the same terrible routing of hanging onto the couch or the bed for dear life. Waiting hopelessly for the fibromyalgia flare to ease up just a little bit so I can eat or bathe.

I’m so tired today. Today feels like a bad hangover, but without the alcohol from last night. I’m super spaced out, but in a different way than the normal fibro fog. I can’t even explain it. It’s not good, that’s for sure. I’m just trying to ignore all of it. The equivalent of a child holding their hands over their ears and saying, “La la la la la I can’t hear you”. This burns mental energy though. Even though I feel like I’m putting some back in the tank, I’m also burning it. I’m on borrowed time, and the flare up this causes will probably be epic.

Short walk. I had to get out of the house. The walk was really hard. My back is so incredibly sore. If there was gain to this pain, I wouldn’t mind, but it only makes everything worse. Still in a very strange state today. It’s different than normal, so I guess I’ll take it, because my normal is so horrifying. This isn’t horrifying, but it’s certainly not good.

By Del

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