I felt the tiniest glimmer of hope last night that some relief might be coming. I figured all I needed was some good sleep, and I could potentially be back on track. I then proceeded to have one of the worst night’s sleep ever. Because of course I did. Because I needed it, therefore I won’t get it. I couldn’t get out of bed to take my medications. Yesterday I was burnt out. Now you can add ‘completely exhausted’ on top of that, and you get a mere shell of a human being. I am so sick of being such a sad sack. Can I get 1 fucking good day? I’m not even able to think about breaking my record of 4 decent days in a row. I’m just looking for 1 right now.
I was sort of blacked out for most of the day. This is how I’ve spent the last few days. Laying in a ball on the floor with my eyes closed. I finally got vertical at about 4:00. I couldn’t stand to make something to eat, so I had some cereal. I made it to 6:00 and I’m horizontal again. I don’t really have many memories of the last few days. I woke up this morning and saw my food processor in the kitchen and didn’t remember using it the night before. Yesterday I woke up and saw my big toe was smashed. The memory loss has been excessive lately. I still don’t remember hurting my toe. No clue how/when it happened.
The spine pain lately has been super oppressive. Unbelievably so. I can’t find any way to control it. Not even a little. Sleep is non-existent. I can’t sleep because of the pain. This seems worse than normal and as I think of that fact, it gives me some panic. The pain only gets worse. The fibromyalgia only gets worse. I can’t tell where one ends and the other begins some days. They both exist in the same hell-scape, and that seems to be the only place I exist.