Not a good day. I can tell that first thing when I woke up. I had 4 of what I guess I would call “transition” days. Not horrifying, but not even decent. I was hoping those would lead to decent days, but we’re back to bad. I’ve never been able to get more than 4 decent days in a row for a year and a half. These 4 days weren’t even decent, but I guess 4 is the best I can do of any type of day that is slightly above horrifying. This is my life. Alternating between horrifying and slightly less than horrifying. I need pain relief. I need medical treatment. Please somebody help me. Please let me get the medical treatment I need. Let me find the doctor that will do the right thing for me. Please somebody help me find that doctor. I would love for someone to deliver me to a fibromyalgia specialist, or a spine surgeon who will actually treat me.
I’ve had a bad headache since the middle of the night. These headaches often come with fibromyalgia flare ups. If you weren’t sure it was a fibro flare or not, just look for the headache for confirmation. This one feels like the back of my head is cracked open. It has migraine-level potential.
Another day fully wasted. Waiting 2 weeks to recover, only to get worse. How dumb am I for having any kind of optimism? It’s so stupid. All I do is waste time waiting for something that will never happen. I’m not sure it’s actually optimism. It’s more like intense fear. “It HAS to get better. I can’t possibly stay like this forever, right? Someone will surely help me.” This is where anxiety and panic attacks are born. The “optimism” is just panic avoidance. I think it’s really just copium. I survive on copium.
The headache has eased up a little bit, surprisingly, but the fibromyalgia is in full effect. I am super spaced out and foggy. I’m not really sure what’s going on today. This disease really scrambles your brain. I oddly don’t feel tired. I can’t concentrate on anything though. I’m just waiting for this day to be over. All I can do is count the seconds until the day is over and I can go to bed. Such a fun way to waste your entire life.
I truly was delirious just now. I somehow had it in my mind that I would go do a proper walk. 1 mile. I made it all the way to a block and a half before I snapped out of it and realized what I was doing. Everything in my whole body was hurting. My back, my hips, knees, feet. What the hell is wrong with me? I haven’t done a walk like that in a couple months. I couldn’t do it yesterday, and that was the best day since the surgery. Well, that’s why the website is called Delusional and Delirious. It happens. I haven’t felt delirious like that in a while. I’m so fucking tired!