Things got desperate last night. Pain and fibromyalgia both were unbelievable. Of course I don’t know why it ramped up. I think I’m feeling better this morning. I often will feel better right when I wake up, but it can tip back the wrong way really quickly.
I just found something I installed on my computer yesterday. I remember messing around with some stuff, but I have no memory of installing this stuff, and I have no memory of how I did it. I think I can undo it if I want, but I don’t know how I go it done the first time. Absolutely crazy. This happens occasionally. It’s amazing how strong the auto-pilot can be.
I checked my mail half an hour ago. I just now realized it’s Sunday. This would be hilarious if it wasn’t so horrifyingly painful and mind breaking.
Feeling better in the evening, but now I’m getting a ton of anxiety. I only just went through a hard day 2 days ago. And 2 days before that. I HAVE to get some better days and get them in a row. I NEED to recover. Then I need another van or RV. I might do another walk because of this anxiety. Yeah, I’m in panic mode now. Depression too. Thinking about my shitty, horrible future is getting to me. I just cleaned up some of the clutter in my apartment. I’m realizing I’m repeating more of the same stupid behavior I’ve done before.
Did a church walk. I wanted to walk more to clear my head, but I could barely make it back the way it was. Fuck me, I’m so fucked. I cannnot do this without pain relief of some sort. I just can’t. I’m on my fucking knees here. The ONLY thing I can ever do is hope tomorrow will be a better day. That’s it. There is nothing more I can do. I am at the mercy of this fucking disease, and nobody will help me. Nobody cares. Nobody believes the levels of pain I’m in. I seriously need to start thinking of an exit strategy. Selling shit on craigslist and ebay. I need to clear this place out and raise money. I’m going to have to get an RV or something. I’ve been in denial about it this whole time – except for the beginning. I wanted to get an RV right at the beginning because I knew how this would go, but I said I’ll stick it out. What a fucking mistake that was. I wish I never sold that fucking van. As much as I hated living in that thing, I would have already been living in it saving lots of money. Living someplace other than this shit hole. My dad doesn’t fucking care. My brother doesn’t care. I sent him the website and no response. Nobody fucking cares. I need to get through this by myself, but I have no clue how. I’ve tried everything under the sun with no results. Every snake oil cure and beyond. No positive results whatsoever. I can’t play a video game. I can’t walk more than a block. I can’t focus on a TV show.
Obviously the walk didn’t help to clear my head at all. I don’t have any physical ways to do that because I can barely move. That claustrophobic feeling starts to hit me. When I started this website, I used to get ideas for blog posts when I did walks. Since I haven’t been able to walk anymore, I haven’t gotten many ideas. I’m pretty shut down and I don’t have any strength to get myself going again. I only know one thing that will help, and that’s pain relief, and I can’t seem to get any of that.