As expected, I feel pretty spent this morning. Last night was super difficult to get through. I tried to walk it off, but I wasn’t physically able to walk very much. I crawled my way through the evening and night. I’m pretty spaced out this morning and the spine pain is strong. I expected all of this after my appointment yesterday evening. I have a similar one to get through in another week and a half, so I’ll be right back here very soon, but I have to get through these appointments. Yesterday was a decent day outside of the evening. I need to recover from that and move on, and that’s about all there is to it. I just don’t know if I’m able to.
Now that I’m more awake, I can feel the fibromyalgia ramping up. Unfortunately I’m not surprised after yesterday. I had about 2 decent days recently, so that must mean it’s time for me to get fucked again with another flare up. I’m coasting into it a bit right now, but I can see it getting away from me pretty quickly. Spine pain is high. There are no good signs. Maybe if I can get some extra sleep, that could help, but that probably won’t happen.
These flare ups man. They crush my soul every time. I can’t survive in my life like this. This is no way to live. It’s not living – it’s barely surviving, and nothing more. I spend about 5 days a week in a flare up, and I get maybe 2 decent days a week. Sometimes there is a reason for them, but usually not. Last night I had a difficult appointment. Most people wouldn’t think twice about it. They would do the appointment after work, after dinner, after cleaning their home, etc. For me, it took up everything I had for the whole day, plus it put me into a flare up. Everything I do outside of laying in bed seems to put me into a flare up.
Yesterday was a good reminder that I need to start thinking of an exit strategy. I can’t continue staying in this apartment. If I move back into a van or an RV, I will most likely end up leaving the county and lose my insurance and the progress I’ve made with this medical center (just as I have so many times before). I will still be spending money and still be in the same position of bleeding money like crazy like I am now, but slightly less. I might have to figure out some sort of low/no income housing. I have no clue how to get those benefits. I don’t think I can continue living here. I can’t afford it. I need to stop fooling myself into thinking I’m going to get better. I need to lay some groundwork now so that if/when the RF ablation fully fails, I’ll be able to have some legwork done. Maybe I can chip away at it now, bit by bit. I should sell my car and go with Ubers. It will be cheaper. Maybe I go back to California somewhere super cheap in an RV park and take advantage of the better public services they have there. I probably still wouldn’t have access to good health care, and I wouldn’t have anyone to give me rides. I don’t know how I get a permanent address when I’m basically homeless. I’m so fucked in every way.
Just thinking about having to live in a van again or in an RV is stressing me out. I thought I was done with that shit, but now I’m right back here. Moving into that van was a very dark time for me, and it wasn’t at all a healthy thing. Everybody thought it was cool that I was doing it. “Van Life” is a hot trend these days. What people didn’t know was that I was deep into a state of psychosis and I was basically homeless. I didn’t stay in national parks or RV parks. I lived on the street and I stayed in a different spot every night. I don’t have the ability to build one myself anymore. I guess I just buy a cargo van and put my mattress on the floor and get a bucket, and that’s all there is to it. Maybe build it up as I go if that’s possible. I don’t want to go back into the fucking van. Ever again. But this is my life.