I feel like I got run over by a train today. Whatever I felt yesterday is long gone. I feel like I was high yesterday, and today I’m not. I overloaded on magnesium yesterday, and it led to a decent day. I still spent half the day horizontal and couldn’t sit at my desk to play games or anything, so it wasn’t that good. I got some laundry done, and that was painful, and I definitely feel that this morning. I’m sore all over. I can’t sit upright right now in order to put on the mag oil on my back. I’ll take oral magnesium for now until I can get vertical. I don’t know how magnesium can make you high, but I’m pretty sure that’s all there is too it. That’s why I felt it wasn’t sustainable, and that’s why the benefits only lasted 3 days when I started this up many months ago. If I keep trying to push the magnesium like yesterday, then I will just be chasing a high of some sort again.
I’ve recovered a little bit from the aches and pains. Well, really just the aches. I did a church walk. Spine pain is still very high. Fibromyalgia is pretty low. I still can’t sit at my desk to play games. Maybe in the evening I’ll see if I can get vertical.
I just forced another church walk. Still very achy. Everything hurts in my legs. I don’t have any kind of conditioning in my legs. I’m paying for whatever physical activity I did yesterday. Even with very strong pain, as long as the fibromyalgia is low or non-existent, I can still get by and do things. Not much, and it’s all super difficult, but I can do some things.
I went out to get some food for dinner. On the way there I realized how much I hate this fucking place where I live. I sort of woke up and said, “What the hell am I doing here?” I certainly must have felt very desperate deep down inside when I decided to move here. I told myself it was for healthy reasons like being close to my dad, but clearly it was a huge cry for help. So my new, ultimate goal is to get healthy enough to be able to work. Find a job back home in California and get the fuck out of this hell hole. This reminds me of when I was living in my van a while back. I was in a very gross place in Texas, and I so desperately wanted to get out. I kept using it as motivation. Every extra step I walked was one minute less I had to be in that place. I was so happy to feel better and to leave that place. Now here I am in basically the same situation. AND to make it worse, I might have to move into a van again. There aren’t many days where I’m able to see things like this and even less where I can use it as motivation, so I’ll take advantage of seeing it so clearly right now. Unfortunately this disease isn’t something you can just will your way out of. I have to rely on others to help me.