Very difficult night last night, and at the end of it, I couldn’t fall asleep. I probably got to sleep at about 2:00, then I woke up at 6:30 and I couldn’t get back to sleep. That ruins my entire day. There is no way to come back from that. This is all because of my magnesium trials. I seem to have saturated myself with magnesium, so the positive effects have worn off. I feel like I artificially burned through whatever positive momentum I might have had for a whole week. Now it will be a difficult week while things slowly get back to normal.
This is all so very insane, and that’s why I write it down. This is the snake oil cure loop I go through. Mostly because I have to. I have to cling to any kind of potential help I can find. Whatever it is, I’ll try it. I’ve tried so many things over the years, and all of them fail. I want people to see how crazy it is to live like this, and to see all the desperate attempts I make to try to dig myself out of this hole. This is also part of the dissociative, psychotic loop I go through. I’ve done this exact magnesium thing before, but I didn’t even remember it until I started back up on it. No matter what I do, I keep rubber banding back into place. I keep waking up and finding myself back in the exact same place, as if nothing has happened. I see the calendar changing, but I feel like no time has passed, I’m in the exact same amount of pain, I’m in the exact same place, and haven’t progressed one bit. I feel like I’m constantly repeating on a loop that has no end, and I can’t break that rubber band. I keep trying to pound the square peg into the round hole, and I can’t ever learn that I need to stop trying that. I’m unable to figure out that I keep doing it, and I often even forget that I tried these things in the past. If I try the same things over and over, I fail. If I try new things, I fail. If I do nothing, I fail. Nothing moves me forward. So how the hell do I get out of this?
I see now how today is going to go. I’m coasting into the full fibro flare up. Obviously the lack of sleep is fucking me, but I was going to be here anyway. Sometimes in the morning, I feel better than I really am, then the pain and fibromyalgia starts compounding as the days goes on. It takes me a bit to really wake up to it, literally and figuratively. Spine pain is super bad. I feel paralyzed from the pain. I need sleep first of all. This is going to be a very difficult one to survive. Please let me do something other than “struggle to survive a day”.
Boy, what a day. I wasn’t able to get up until about 4:00. I showered and ate while I could. I feel it coming back around now at 5:30. I think that’s all I’m going to get for the rest of the day. I guess I’ll be back in this part of the cycle for a few days. It’s so predictable that I can’t ever get more than 4 decent days in a row. I think I was at 3-1/2 this last time, and that was with a ton of magnesium supplementation experimentation. Yesterday I realized that I forgot I came up with the magnesium idea before. Today I realized I forgot that it failed before. I keep forgetting these big things. I keep forgetting that I’ve been in this loop for ages and it keeps resetting. Part of the psychotic loop is the memory wipe. That ensures you can never make any kind of progress.
I ended up on the floor and very nearly passed out. I was totally spaced out for 20 minutes. I feel slightly better for it, but I didn’t get that brain reboot that I get when I fully pass out from pain. These terrible days that follow decent days are sometimes harder than a stack of bad days. By comparison to a decent day, these days are far worse, and that differential is what can cause these pass-outs.