Much less fibromyalgia fog today, but still a lot of spine pain. I’m remembering after the first procedure I had 2 weeks of pure, uncontrollable, intense pain. I had 1 good day from the cortisone injections. This time I had a few, and now I have a little bit better day today. Better off this time around. I still can’t get any sleep though. I had better quality sleep, but not much of it.
I’ve spent my afternoon thinking only of getting out of this shit hole city and back home to California. I don’t know how that happens. I need to be fixed up perfectly for that to happen. I probably need to work and save money first also. It might take getting a surgery to permanently fix the problem before I can do it. Or winning the lottery. I don’t see how any of it happens. So now I’m stuck in a shitty place I hate, in bad health, with no end in sight, no light at the end of the tunnel for me. It’s a really wonderful feeling. Great place to be. This will probably fuel some anxiety. If I can get the pain management treatments I need, I can work hard to recover. I’m not sure yet what I received so far is the answer or not.
When I was living in the van, I spent some time in this gross place in Texas. I hated it and I wanted to get out as soon as I could. I was stuck trying to recover from a spine surgery, but I wasn’t healing. When I finally started to heal, I put in every ounce of effort I could. My motivation was to get the fuck out of that shit hole and never go back. I was so happy when that place was literally in my rear view mirror. And now I’m basically back in the same exact place, except this time I didn’t have a surgery I can recover from. Even if this pain management procedure works, it’s only temporary. The pain WILL come back. It’s just a question of when. Even if I pour every ounce of effort into a recovery now, the pain will come back and cripple me again. I don’t see how I can ever get out of this hole. The only thing anyone has to offer is more shovels. But at least I have my motivation. If there is any kind of a chance, I will work toward it and take advantage of any kind of opportunities I can. And even if things go bad again (I should say when, not if), at least I’ll be home in a normal place instead of this ass backwards shit hole.
Just went out for a short walk. That was pure piss and vinegar. I’m feeling anger and anxiety over being trapped. But it doesn’t matter how much piss and vinegar I have. It doesn’t matter how much will power I have. It doesn’t matter what medication I have. It simply doesn’t matter how much I want something or how hard I try. Anything I’m able to do is all because this disease allows it. If the disease doesn’t allow it, it doesn’t happen. On the rare days when it does allow it, I usually end up paying for it triple when the disease changes its mind and comes back around on me. I could have all the money in the world, but it doesn’t cure this disease. It wouldn’t change its mind in order to allow me to do something I want to do. I have zero control over my own life. I don’t make my own decisions. I don’t get a say in things. The disease does. It does whatever it wants, whenever it wants. So I can pound my fists all I want, but the only thing that will come of it is sore hands. The more I fight, the harder it pushes back. The more it punishes me. This disease wants everything from me, and it won’t stop until it finishes taking my soul.