All the piss and vinegar from yesterday turned into plain pissy-ness. I burned off some of that negative energy by walking, and I’m paying for the effort today. Spine pain is off the charts. And I’m still pissy, but now for other reasons on top of the same reasons from yesterday. I still can’t get any good sleep. This has been ruining me for about a month now.
All this wishful thinking of mine about going back home to California is just hopium. It’s dangerous. I don’t have the luxury of thinking about things I want to do with my life. The disease decides that for me. Instead of hoping and planning for the best, I need to spend my efforts expecting and planning for the worst. I need to be chained to a pain management doctor until I get the surgery I think I need. I need to live with the whims of the fibromyalgia. Take the decent days when it allows, but always be prepared for the terrible days, because that makes up most of my days, and that’s my reality. Planning for something good that will never come is a waste of effort and time. Wherever my feet are right now, that’s where I’m stuck in place, and there’s nothing I can do about it.
I went out for a walk. I’m using that piss and vinegar as motivation, but my god is it still difficult. I am so tired today. The weeks of sleep deprivation have seriously taken its toll. I feel beyond exhausted. That makes everything so much more difficult. I’m happy to use whatever motivation I can, but when my attempt fails and the fibromyalgia takes over again, it takes me a couple months to get back up on my feet again. The attempts drain me completely of any and all energy I have. I have to mine every hidden place in my brain to find that energy, and it takes forever to restore it. So whatever I accomplish, using whatever motivation, it always ends up being for nothing anyway. Every single time so far. Usually the negative reinforcement stops me from trying again. There is a lot of negative energy around me right now, and this is mostly a way to burn that off.
I’m just so damn tired right now. I so desperately need sleep. Every time I say that, I never end up getting it.