Still struggling along. Still can’t get any decent sleep. I’ve been a total zombie. All I can do is wait for these procedures to hopefully start relieving pain and start helping me. I haven’t seen any sign of it yet. We’re over 2 weeks post op for the last procedure. This HAS to work. If it doesn’t, then I am 100% fucked. I would settle for only like 75% fucked, but so far, there aren’t any signs of that happening. I need good news. I need good changes.
There’s this constant reminder that I am powerless against this disease and these spine issues. I can’t will my way out of this. I’ve been dealing with this for so many years. Each day is a weight that gets added onto the pile. All that weight is piled up on top of me. There is a point where a person crumbles under the intense weight. I’ve been carrying this weight for 22 years now. I’ve been dealing with very high levels for the last 6 or 7 years. Constant crushing, mind breaking, insane levels of pain. If the spine pain eases up, then the fibromyalgia takes over. There is no place to go. No way out. Every way out is blocked by something. “Between a rock and a hard place” doesn’t begin to describe this. It only scratches the surface.
I’m rapidly running out of time until I need to make some major moves. I need to start planning. I don’t get to live in this apartment anymore. I don’t get to choose where I live at all. The disease decides everything for me. I need to scrape together donations and savings to buy an RV. Maybe a trailer. Find someplace in the middle of nowhere that has a really cheap monthly rent, but still close enough to my dad. That buys me extra time until I’m completely bankrupt. I don’t know what I do when I become totally bankrupt. Maybe a motor coach is a better option because it will be easier to live on the streets once I can’t afford RV parks anymore. This is all getting so bad. I swore I would do everything I could in order to not end up in a fucking RV again. I was already living in a van for almost a year. I lived on the streets then. If only it were as easy as “pulling myself up by my bootstraps.” I wish I were in a position to do that, but I’m nowhere near that. I regret not buying an RV 2 years ago when I had the chance. It would have paid for itself already.
I wish there was a doctor who would take my pain seriously an my situation seriously and help me. Give me the treatments I need. Work hard to help me instead of phoning it in and doing the bare minimum. My current pain management doctor didn’t even want to do diagnostic injections. He said he wouldn’t do RF ablation on me. I still don’t know why he changed his mind. I need to get to a surgeon who will help me, and who will help me very soon. I don’t see any way out of this without that help. At best I can waste away in an RV until I run out of money. What a life. Anyone out there willing to donate an RV? That would probably mean I would have to move someplace warmer than Illinois, which would mean my health insurance would get fucked. Although, I might be past healthcare at this point. I am a post-healthcare patient. No doctors will help me anyway. Everyone says my doctor is super smart, yet he doesn’t know how to help me. If this procedure doesn’t work, I imagine the doctor will tell me there’s nothing more he can do for me. In that case, healthcare means nothing to me anymore.
I’m also still waiting on my Social Security Disability application I submitted in JANUARY! I jumped through all the hoops they asked. I had to fill out 3 big packets of information by hand, even though I already gave them all the same information on the original application. I saw the stooge doctors who concurred that I was in fact completely disabled. But still no response. These systems aren’t broken, they’re designed for failure.