Lots of anxiety last night. This overwhelming feeling that things aren’t getting better, and I can’t do anything about it. I can’t help myself, and I can’t get the help I need from the medical world. It’s a painful place to be in. Sleep wasn’t very good. I woke up earlier than I wanted. I guess I feel better than yesterday. I’m not in full recovery mode or healing mode. Yesterday felt like a recovery day of some kind. It very well might be that I just got more sleep than usual, and it was the tail end of a fibromyalgia flare up. I was exhausted all day. Super zombified. I feel better today, but certainly not good. Spine pain is under control for the moment. Thank goodness for that. It’s been impossible to control for quite a while now.
I had to run out to the store for a few things. My dad dropped off some groceries for the first time in months. I’ve been lacking support from family pretty badly for the last 6 months or so. My dad most certainly has no clue what to do. He’s completely incapable of understanding, and he has no ability to express feelings and emotions. He doesn’t do well hearing it from me either. He’ll change the subject or end the conversation. That might be why he doesn’t drop off groceries anymore. He just doesn’t want to hear about how bad things are. I can’t rely on him. I’ve never been able to. Anyway, I think he just cleaned out his freezer and gave me stuff he didn’t want. I had to go to the store to get all the other stuff to go with what he gave me. Nothing like getting help, only to have to help yourself in order to take advantage of the help you just received! The store trip went OK. I went early in the day while I was still feeling decent. The pain ramps up as the day goes on. The weight of the day accumulates, and things get harder later in the day. Usually. Some days I just wake up feeling nothing but horror. Those are days I don’t get out of bed, and often don’t eat, so I don’t need groceries anyway for those days.
Definitely a better day than yesterday. I actually feel a bit of recovery, even though it didn’t continue today. I don’t feel real pain relief or healing though. Just a standard decent day. I haven’t been able to play games or anything. Just a lot of nervous energy, that’s all. Sometimes I can take advantage and get in some walks, but I think the trip to the store took up my daily budget.
I had some ups and downs today. I started crashing in the evening, but I kept up with good habits and I feel like I saved it. Ice packs for the win. My god these freaking ice packs. I can’t live with ice packs forever. And I feel like I’m only just getting by with them. When I take off the ice packs, I feel like my pain goes up to a 10. Maybe they are making me more sensitive to the pain. I can also possibly hurt myself without realizing it if I do anything physical with an ice pack on. I think mostly though I am getting overly sensitized to the pain because of it.