These days keep ticking by. I remember saying back in March that I found something that would help me and I would be back on my feet soon. I said it in December too. Now that I’ve finally received some pain management treatment from a doctor, I don’t say it anymore. Every day when I create a new journal entry, I increment the date, and only about once a month do I notice how high these numbers get. Days turn into months, and now we’re about to hit 2 years. I’m so focused on simply getting through the next 5 minutes, that I can’t see the bigger picture. I can’t see the forest for being so focused on the trees, and the trees in this case are mere survival of the next few minutes. Get through that, worry about the next few minutes later when they arrive. There are no plans for tomorrow, or next week, or next month. I can’t see that far ahead. But I do finally start feeling it when I look at these dates changing. I’m amazed at how much of my life has been wasted. All my potential lost. All my abilities wasting down the drain and not being used to help someone else.

It is so pathetic that our medical system allows a human being to suffer so greatly for so long without worrying about helping them – which is their JOB. It’s what they are paid to do. Imagine going to work and saying you don’t want to do your job today. You won’t be around long. But if you’re a doctor, it seems to be mainly what you do. Doctors only help who they want. They can deny anyone they want without consequences, and they do it all the time. They do it sometimes to game the system and make more money by requiring patients to come back for multiple visits, when it could be done in one visit. They do it by not helping people who come and ask (or beg) for help. There’s always a line of people going out the door that need help, and they can choose, lose, or refuse. That leaves people like me suffering for years and puts us on our knees, begging these people to please do their jobs just this once so I can get some help. It’s not like I’m asking for charity from these people. I simply want them to do what they’re paid to do.

And without help, people suffer, and people die. The doctor’s oath says “First do no harm”, but by not helping people, they are harming people. And it happens in ways people don’t often think about, like money problems, problems with having a home, substance abuse. If people can’t get appropriate medications and medical care from those who are supposed to provide it, they have no choice but to try to treat themselves. By any means necessary sometimes. Then the days tick away, the bank account drains, and no help is to be found. And still nobody cares. I’m realizing now that I probably purposely don’t pay attention to the passing of the days because it can be too painful to realize all the things I just wrote. This will flood in and at the very least ruin your day. So here we are, same shit, different day. Next month makes 2 years of these shitty days. 2 fucking years and I only just got an actual pain management procedure. It’s not the one that will fix me either. That one is probably another 4 years away. If I last that long, if the doctors care to help me, if I’m not homeless first.

It’s so fucking hot outside. I hate this place so much. I truly don’t know why anyone would want to live here. I really need to get back to Northern California, where it’s normal. The people, the weather, the food. Everything. It’s supposed to be 90F for another week, and we haven’t had rain in like 3 weeks. On the rare occasions I can actually go outside for fresh air, for anxiety relief, for a short walk, the hot weather absolutely crushes me physically and mentally. Head encourages muscle spasms in my lower back. Heat drains me of energy which I’m always in short supply of. And it just pisses me off in general. The hottest day of my last summer in Fort Bragg was 75F, and there’s no humidity. And it’s always cool at night. And there’s fog at night and you can hear the ocean. All amazing things that I haven’t been able to live without.

By Del

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