I feel even worse today. I just keep getting more and more tired. Sleep is getting less and less, I’m waking up earlier and earlier. Feels like a moderate flare up today. It hurts to move, so I’m stuck in place. Not the worst flare up, for sure. I don’t have any ability to walk, play games, sit upright. I needed some extra sleep so badly I took a muscle relaxant in the early afternoon and got an hour of terrible sleep. One of the worst naps ever. That’s kind of demoralizing to fail at sleeping so badly. I’m basically getting up only to get ice packs today.
Yesterday was a tough day also, but I managed to get through fairly well. I kept myself on track and pushed hard. The night time was the best part of the day for me. That’s usually one of the worst parts of the day because of all the accumulated weight of the pain and whatever happens throughout the day. I thought I had pushed through what was maybe a mild flare up, but this morning was just a failure to launch sort of a thing. It wasn’t just a worsening of symptoms, it was something totally different than I had been feeling for the last few days, and even from yesterday, which was difficult already. So I’ll just keep pushing through this one too. It makes me feel like I haven’t made any kind of progress and that I’m right back where I started.
The moderate flare up has turned into a major flare up by the early evening. I’ve had a few days without any flare ups, so I have a tiny bit of tolerance for it, but that tolerance doesn’t last long. This is getting pretty brutal. I need this to end by tomorrow morning so I can get on with trying to recover and heal from my procedures. These flare ups just derail any and all positive momentum or habits you might have developed, or are trying to develop. It takes a ton of effort just to shift the inertia, then out of nowhere, a fibromyalgia flare up hits for no reason, and fucks everything up. I have restarted my efforts so many times, it’s ridiculous. Most people would only put out this level of effort a few times in their lives. I have to do it every 3 weeks. This fucking disease man. I just robs you of your soul while you’re still using it.
I just did a few minutes on the exercise bike. Trying to keep the momentum going. I felt like I was going to pass out and fall off the bike. As soon as I got off the bike, I vomited in my mouth a little bit. I can get through 1 day of flare ups here an there if I get enough good time in between. Give me a month of good days, and I can handle 3 bad flare up days. Those week long flare ups? Probably not. Those will ruin anyone in a big hurry. Trying to push through these flare ups is like trying to function when you’re on a lot of drugs or alcohol. Imagine the highest or drunkest you’ve ever been. Like you pass out as soon as you see your bed (maybe sooner), can’t remember what you did last night, hangover that lasts all day long. Try getting on an exercise bike when you’re in that state. Try eating healthy food, or keeping healthy habits when you are completely drunk every minute of every day. It’s just impossible. You will never get out of bed. You will lay there with your eyes closed, counting the seconds until the day is over so you can hopefully sleep through some of it. You hope the next day will be better, but it never gets better. That recovery never comes. That’s fibromyalgia for you. Try pushing through that. Every day. Try functioning like a regular person when you’re in that condition all the time.