Just like clockwork, when I need sleep, I never get it. I fell asleep fast and slept well until 4, but then it was constant wake ups and long periods of being awake. I moved from my bed to the couch to the futon on the floor, back to the couch. I couldn’t get comfortable, and I couldn’t stay asleep. I get this issue a lot, but usually not this severe. I finally strapped an ice pack on and fell asleep on the couch. My ice packs have velcro straps on them, so I can strap them on and sleep on my side. Not the best, but it works. They’re too chunky to lay on top of, plus I can’t sleep on my back anyway. Difficult to roll over with one of these strapped on. I’m pretty groggy waking up. I guess it’s just another normal day for me. Let’s see how it turns out.
Speaking of ice packs – something funny has been happening. The ice packs are like big bubble wrap filled with fluid. There are big ice bubbles basically. When I put one in the back of my pants, then lean back on it in my recliner, those bubbles push hard against my back. I can’t feel it of course because my back is frozen. I notice a few days ago that I have bubble shaped welts on my low back! The ice packs have a fabric cover on them, so that prevents them from actually giving me frost bite. I think it’s just the frozen bubbles pressing hard into my back and leaving these welts. As long as I have an ice pack on, I can’t feel them, so it’s usually fine. The first welts are starting to heal, and as they do, they are getting a little itchy, but other than that, I don’t think it’s an issue. I think it started when we got some cooler weather a few days ago. With the stupid hot weather we had, the ice packs start melting really quickly and they soften up, so it wasn’t an issue. It will continue being an issue as long as the weather stays cool.
Medication has been back on track today. I’ve had some decent anxiety levels though. I’ve been working my mitigation efforts and I’ve been staying ahead of it. Still really tired, and still need some extra sleep. I hate to say that, because I always jinx it. I don’t feel any pain relief from these ablation procedures, and that is terrible for me. It takes away motivation and hope. I don’t know how to move forward without any real pain relief. I will have to find another pain management doctor because my doctor won’t have any other ideas for me. One of my last resorts will be an intrathecal pump, and my doctor doesn’t do those. I’ll have to shift to someone different and start myself down that path. With my insurance, that will be about 2 years away. A surgery could probably fix this issue also, but again, that’s a super long way away. I don’t even know how to get there either.
Today I feel like I’m just trying to outrun the pain. It’s nipping at my heals all the time. If I slow down, it will catch me. I feel like I’ve lived like this for so many years. Most of the last 22 years have been lived like this. If I get tired, stop to take a rest, the pain catches me and totally overwhelms me. When it’s not a disaster, I will my way through it with everything I have. It takes everything just to get through my day of work to support myself. Then I have absolutely nothing left when I get home or on the weekends. All my off time is pure recovery, but I can’t recover from something without pain relief. The pain caught me though this time, and I can’t break out of its hold. I can’t will my way out of it, or past it. I’ve been trying, but it’s always right there behind me. I am barely making it through my days trying to run, but I’m so very tired. Now I get to go to bed, then wake up and live the same horrifying day all over again. In perpetuity. I haven’t even broke free from pain’s grasp this time, and I am so very tired of trying to run from it.