I was up for a couple hours in the middle of the night. I got back to sleep, but have been feeling off for the whole day so far. I thought I felt some psychosis creeping through. It has been somewhat subdued for a little while lately, but it’s always there in the background, waiting to come back. I’ve been feeling a little bit worse and worse as the day goes on. I’m just realizing a fibromyalgia flare up is starting up. Sometimes it takes a while for me to figure that out. I’m always in denial about it. My brain doesn’t want to accept what’s happening because I am so horrified by all the pain I’ve experienced in the past. I’m about to go horizontal from this. These things can lay me out for days. It’s sort of taking my breath away. My head is getting foggier and foggier. Pain in my whole body is ramping up. I’m not in a full on panic yet, but that won’t be far away. I have the feeling this one is going to hurt pretty badly. I’m doing everything I can to stay on top of it, but ultimately it’s not up to me. It’s up to the disease to do whatever it wants. I don’t have control over my life. Over my own fucking life. This disease does, and this disability does. The only thing I can do is take some magnesium, put on an ice pack, and prepare for the worst.
This pain really scrambles the brain. I basically spend very large amounts of time in a state of shock. Sometimes mild, sometimes severe. The longer I’m in that state, the more it breaks my brain. It’s not pretty. And it brings on an entirely different sort of pain.