I got some decent sleep last night. I’ve been trying to wear myself out every day. Yesterday I felt like I was getting a flare up mid day, but I don’t feel like it today. I tried very hard to push through it, and the extra sleep certainly helped. I’m always glad to get some sleep.
Yep, the predicted 81F today, so naturally you have to add a few degrees to get the actual forecast. I don’t know why they do that every day. So it’s 85F, just as I thought. It’s breezy and medium humidity, so it’s not as bad as it could be. I am just waiting for the day I can wear pants outside and not sweat my ass off walking 2 blocks. It’s so much easier with cooler temperatures. I can’t wait. We still have 80F predicted for Friday. That’s a ways away, but I believe it. Mostly mid 70’s otherwise. Ugh.
I just am super homesick and want to go home to California. I feel displaced here. My soul is still in NorCal, but my mind and body are in Chicago. I feel very disjointed and I feel like I need to get back there to make myself whole again. I lived in San Francisco for most of my time out there. When I moved to Oakland, I already started feeling that disjointedness. Whenever I went to The City for work or to meet friends, I instantly felt better, calmer, happier. I’d be a fool to say San Francisco is the same place it was the last time I lived there, but I do feel like it’s still home. For better or worse. I’d also be a fool if I thought I was the same person as I was back then. I think I would feel out of place there these days. I don’t have that adventurous spirit anymore. It has been robbed from me by all my disabilities, physical and mental. I don’t have the energy to even go outside, so what would I find in San Francisco anymore? It’s not the place to be a shut-in.
That’s maybe one of the reasons I ended up in Fort Bragg – a tiny town on the coast 3.5 hours north of SF. I felt comfortable there too. It allowed me to find my soul, and not deal with a city that is probably foreign to me at this point. The slow pace of a small, laid back ocean front town suited me perfectly. I have no clue how I could possibly get back there. Jobs are few and far between, and so is housing. Healthcare isn’t good either. Going back there would be great for my mental health, but terrible for everything else. It seems I’ve gotten myself into a jam with this one! I can fix a lot of things, but I don’t know how to fix this one. The one thing I’m sure of is that I never found anything I was looking for here in Chicago. Not even close.