I got pretty good quality sleep and I woke up late today. I haven’t slept this well in months. And wouldn’t you know it, I feel a lot better this morning. I’m still waking up, but I can tell my energy is a lot better, I’m not as tired, the fibro is gone. I just feel burned out now. Today is the true recovery day, but I also feel like I got a little bit of recovery yesterday. Maybe I’ll move from recovery to progress today at some point. What a fucking flare up that was. That thing buried me. It took all my energy just to survive it. Plus it robs me of energy to begin with. It shows up and steals 3/4 of your energy when it starts up. Like the flu. THEN it starts kicking you in the nuts for several days straight. You need loads of energy to fight it, but you start off with very little, then you burn whatever you have just trying to breathe. What happens when you run out? Panic, depression, psychosis, more pain. Of course now that I feel better, it’s going to be close to 90F today. In mid-October. What the fuck? I will melt if I go outside today.
Took an early walk this morning, then went to the store. I had no energy left by the time I got home from the store. I still need some recovery time to get back to whatever kind of normal I can achieve. Usually I need at least as many days of recovery as I had in the flare up. 5 days of flare up would require 5 days of recovery. The problem there is that the next flare up usually hits before any good days arrive. Good fun, always. I woke up with a mild headache, and that has been getting worse as the day goes on. I don’t know where that came from, but it’s really annoying me right now. Headaches are a big symptom of fibromyalgia. As if the pain you get from fibromyalgia isn’t bad enough on its own.
I don’t know if this flare up is coming back around again or what. I have a raging headache now and I feel terrible. I’m struggling to keep my eyes open. It hurts too much. When I woke up this morning, I thought that was it. I thought I was free and clear of this fucking nasty flare up, but now I feel like it’s still here. What is it with this fucking flare up? It just won’t go away. Or is this the next one starting up already? They just bleed together and I can’t tell where one ends and the other begins? No clue. I’m just struggling to get by, that’s all I know. Maybe it’s just a migraine that came out of nowhere.
Aaand, I passed out on the floor. I slithered out of my recliner onto the floor. I could feel it coming. It’s similar to how you know you need to vomit. You get about 10 seconds to get yourself where you need to be to take care of it. I put my futon on my living room floor for this very reason. I hit the futon and was instantly out. I passed out twice. And my head is still pounding. I am so fucking sick of this fibromyalgia flare up. I said it was top 5 worst flare ups, but now I’m moving it up to top 3, and we’re still not done. Speaking of vomiting, I feel like I need to puke. I feel super nauseous to the point where I feel sick. Thankfully the government doesn’t think I’m disabled. Surely I can work and drive when I pass out on the fucking floor. I know more about what the bottom of my coffee table looks like than most people know what their kids look like.
This only lasted about a half hour in total. The rest of the night will be very difficult now. Usually things get better after I pass out, but the rest of the day after it happens just leaves me sort of stunned. It really rings my bell and it leaves me very much out of sorts for the rest of the day.
I need to see the lawyer about the SSD appeal. I haven’t been able to leave the house long enough to take care of it. How fucked is that? I can’t see a lawyer about a disability appeal because I’m too disabled to leave the house and put out the effort to see the lawyer. What a fucked up world. I need to start facing the fact that this isn’t getting better and that I will soon be homeless. I can probably still pick up a used van and build it out on the cheap. Nothing like I did in the past. Bare bones. Then I live on the streets again. That buys me a little while. Not that I’m getting better in any way. There are no doctors helping me, no medications to help, nothing planned that will rescue me. No pain relief, no fibromyalgia relief. What difference does it make if I lose my healthcare? I don’t get anything out of it anyway. This is exactly where I was several years ago when I moved into the van. I felt the exact same way and was in the exact position. Back then at least I had a couple doctors who did their best to try to help me. This time I haven’t had any of that.
I’ve had 2 straight years of this now. Unrelenting, never ending. I have been under reacting to the situation. Mostly because I haven’t been able to do anything. I feel like I’m severely mentally disabled. My brain just doesn’t work. The fibromyalgia fog is impossible to push through. I can’t think properly. I can’t act properly. I can’t function like any kind of a normal person because of it. It’s too impossible to function with it. I need to stop fooling myself into thinking that I’m going to get better, or that someone is going to come along and give me the treatment(s) I need. It’s not going to happen. I need to make plans to drastically cut my expenses. My biggest fear needs to come true. For my survival. I’m in the Now or Never territory now.
I have like 4 hours left in the day to go. I really don’t know how to get through it. The pain is so incredibly intense everywhere throughout my whole body. My head, my spine, my body. It’s truly a perfect shit storm of pain. After the last 5 days, I just can’t handle this. The day started off so good, but is ending so horribly. What do I do? Drug myself to sleep? Drink alcohol to get through? With a migraine? What do I do? I have no clue. If I put myself to sleep right now, then I’ll be up for several hours through the night and that will fuck my day tomorrow. I am so stuck right now. I can’t see past the next 2 minutes.
I’ve been at a 10/10 all evening. I just went to the floor again. There is no fight left. All I can do is try to breathe. There is no movement, no hope. All I can do is lie there and take it. I can’t get up off the floor to do anything that might help me. I am completely helpless now, and I will be until the disease decides to let me go. I have no idea when that will be. This doesn’t just go away. It takes time to fade away. When these things hit hard like this, they stick around for days. This could be a 10 day flare up at max level. How fucking horrifying.