One year ago I was feeling better. I obtained pain relief from an inversion table. I was walking a lot. I tapered very low on my medications. Then I woke up on my birthday and felt pure horror. Terror. All that progress instantly went into the shitter. Here we are 1 year later. I’ve made the same effort to walk a lot. I’ve tapered very low on my meds. I never got any pain relief, though I did finally get a pain management procedure. One procedure in 2 years. How is this possible? Well, I also have the same horror as always.
Last night was just ridiculous. Off the charts pain. I passed out from pain on my living room floor yesterday evening. Twice. I felt like I passed out when I went to bed. Then I woke up at 1am and could not get back to sleep. I tried everything, and nothing worked. Not only did I have to live through every second of that horrifying fucking pain yesterday, I had to live through every second of it through the night when I was supposed to be sleeping. Truly adding insult to injury. Happy fucking birthday to me. Same shit, different year. Oh boy, I am so fucked. This is my life. No chance of improvement or help. Just living this same fucking cycle over and over again. I put out so much energy into these efforts to get better, but every single one of them fails, including this one. It leaves me so very burned out for a long time. And here we are. Again. In a state of panic and psychosis. And pain and no sleep. It’s fucking pathetic.
I’ve had plenty of days where I wake up and I feel how horrifying the day will be. It’s rare to wake up at 1am and know your day is going to be fucked. I was only 1 hour into the day technically and I already know the day is fucked. There is no way to recover from this. Today is guaranteed to be shitty. Maybe tomorrow will be better. I have to go into survival mode today. I won’t get anything more than that. What a shame after all I went through last night. And I think I actually feel better today. I think the fibro is better. Impossible to say in this state. Maybe I’m just delirious from yesterday’s pain and lack of sleep.
Well, I took a muscle relaxant so I could get back to sleep. I feel asleep at 5:00, then woke up at 6:20, so I’ve had about 2:50 of sleep, and I woke up way, way too early. Fucking beautiful. When it rains, it pours.
Just went out for a walk. I’m actually amazed at how I feel today. Today would have been a good day. I could have played games, went for walks, maybe went out for dinner. But now I’m a total zombie. I feel far better than I should considering the severe lack of sleep. I guess passing out last night really helped. It often does. It often signals the beginning of the end of that flare up, but there’s usually a few days of recovery afterwards. I guess this counts as my recovery then.