I feel about the same as yesterday. More spine pain right now. Yesterday didn’t really kick off until late morning or early afternoon. Maybe more groggy this morning, so a slower start. I already went for a walk. I haven’t eaten today yet, so I didn’t have much energy. I’ve been surviving on my walks with anxiety energy or panic energy. Burning off bad energy. That will only sustain you for a short time. I’ve never had a sustained, low pain, low fibro period where I can get past simply burning bad energy. Oh how I wish I could get there. Wearing myself out because I truly burned all my energy stores and made my leg muscles sore from so much walking or time on the exercise bike. It sucks when you want to do that, and you are otherwise able and willing to do that, but you are trapped by this pain and psychosis and whatever else comes with it. The fibro fog. The fibro fog feels like in a TV show/movie/video game when a flash bang grenade goes off. Everything is blurry, there’s a loud tinnitus sound, all the voices speaking sound like Charlie Brown’s teacher. You can’t focus on anything, can’t concentrate, can’t see how to even move forward. When the effect starts wearing off, you can start seeing more clearly, the tinnitus clears up, the voices start coming in clear and you can finally start understanding them again. I feel decent at the moment, and that’s because of a drug. This effect will wear off in a couple days and I’ll be back to the flash bang effect. Oh how it sucks knowing that. That sense of dread never leaves. Knowing that maybe tomorrow I might wake up and feel nothing but pure horror acts as a giant weight on my already broken back.

I’m feeling the pain come back at 11:00. Spine pain is starting to ramp up. Yesterday was a good day for spine pain. I only used 2 ice packs late in the day. I just put on the first one. I feel it in my head. This always makes me nervous. Maybe I can control the pain and keep the decent day going. Maybe it will overwhelm me. Maybe it’s actually the fibro coming back. What a horrible feeling. I am due to increase the dose of the Lyrica today, so I’ll do that. This could be time to titrate up. I think I’ll move to 50mg starting tonight. Today is day 6 and it was prescribed to increase at day 5. Since I didn’t get any benefit until day 5, I wanted to wait a bit. I don’t know why I can’t sustain feeling decent though. Why does it wear off in a week? The only way I’ll know is if I titrate up to a proper therapeutic dose. One could see how desperate I am for any kind of relief. I feel insane chasing a 15% reduction in pain so dramatically. Real pain relief eliminates the need for all medications. Chasing after a tiny reduction in pain is not real relief, but it’s all I can get, and I am truly desperate, so it’s all I can do. My god am I sick of the desperation.

I went out for a walk in the forest walking path. I think that’s the first time I’ve been there in over a year. I know I wasn’t there all spring and summer, and I don’t remember walking there in the snow. I wanted to get this in while I still could. I don’t know if I’ll be able to tomorrow. It hurt a LOT. The pounding on my spine is killing me. Straight to the ibuprofen and ice pack. It was just about 3 miles. The most I can get around my neighborhood is 2 miles (unless I do multiple laps). Those neighborhood walks are great, but it seems like they’re more for anxiety and panic than they are for exercise. I need to do these longer, faster, tougher walks for exercise. I’m completely knackered right now from this walk, and that doesn’t really happen from a 1 mile walk around the neighborhood. I would need like 3 of these a day to actually burn calories and get into any kind of shape. I don’t even know what the next hour will bring, so there just isn’t any way I can do these walks regularly. Not until I get pain relief and get the fibromyalgia under control somehow. I’ll make hay while the sun is shining as much as I can. I think I will end up paying dearly for this one though.

I think I feel the fibro coming back at 8:00. Maybe I’m paying for the long walk. I feel panicky. Painful. I’m so sick of all of this! Not even 2 decent days in a row. Back to the madness. I’m thinking the Lyrica isn’t going to work out. This feels exactly like a fibro flare up. I’m not ready for this. I feel like my brain is puking, but there’s no where for it to go. This really came on fast too. Although I did say I felt something coming back at 11am.

By Del

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