Still feeling terrible this morning. Really difficult waking up. I’m so angry at those family members for bringing me into a situation like that. I’m also still amazed at how it totally flared me up within about 15 minutes. If I can flare up that badly, that quickly, then I have monster problems. The Lyrica clearly isn’t doing shit. I took it this morning, but I don’t think I’m going to keep it. It only gave me like one good day. The side effects have been worse than any benefit it has given. If it wasn’t able to prevent or control the flare up that was caused last night, then it’s fucking worthless. If I don’t feel better in any way by this evening, then I’ll drop back down to 25mg for a day or two, then quit it. This is quite unfortunate because I was kind of counting on this as a last resort sort of thing. It helped in the past, albeit temporarily, so I thought I would be able to commit to it again and hopefully get some help. Even if I felt drugged up, if it killed the fibro flares, then it might be worth it. I think I’ve proven it’s not going to help. It has half a day left to prove itself.
This whole process of flaring up, feeling better, working hard, wasting all the hard work, getting desperate, panicking, feeling horrible, it’s all so fucking horrifying. Unbelievably so. The way it keeps repeating. Over and over and over and over. My god. I don’t know where I get the fight from. The mental energy to combat these flares. I don’t know where I get the optimism from. I actually wish the optimism would go away. I feel like it’s not actually optimism, it’s delusions. I am delusional for thinking I will somehow get better. It’s a mental illness. This isn’t strength. My inability to realize this is part of the illness. I need to face one of my biggest fears and move back into a van. Live on the streets again. Live cheap. Eliminate some of my big worries. Conserve money.
I don’t have any faith that any doctors will cure me. I’ve been at this for 22 years. I’ve had every treatment and surgery under the sun. I’ve taken every medication there is. I don’t think it’s worth buying a proper health insurance plan anymore. It will be a waste of money. They will do the same things my other doctors have done, only faster. It took me 2 years to get here on Medicaid. I could have done it in 6 months with real insurance. But I would have ended up in the same place regardless. If I get onto real health insurance, I will just go in the same loop for another 6 months and end up right back here. I need to stop wasting time.
I’m at one week off the guaifenesin. They recommend 2 weeks off. One week to let it clear out, one week to let your normal symptoms come back so that when you start back up, you’ll have a clearer understanding if the medication is doing what it’s supposed to. I was going to wait 7-10 days. It might be better to let the Lyrica clear out before I start up again. So…I’ll wait for this evening to see if the Lyrica is helping at all. If not, I’ll start tapering for a day or two, then drop it. I’ll start back up on the guaifenesin within the next few days. If it’s not helpful, or if it’s hurting me, then I think that makes the decision for me to get a van and start building. I think I said the exact same thing a month or two ago. This fucking dissociative, psychotic loop. Oh god.
I don’t know how I get through the van build, but I’ll worry about that when I get there. I did it once before in the same physical and mental states. This time around at least I’ll fix the things I didn’t like about the first time I did it. There won’t be anything glamorous about it. It will be bare bones and as cheap as I can make it. I can always buy a C Class RV, but then I would have to pay for an RV park, plus I still have to get to the grocery store somehow. With a van, I can park anywhere for free and still park in a parking lot like any other normal vehicle. So much easier to drive. But there’s a ton of effort to build it.
1:30 now and I feel the fibro very heavily, and I feel something else happening with the Lyrica. I feel it heavily in my head. A strong grogginess feeling. It’s covering the fibro a little bit, but it’s not at all easier and it’s not a good thing. It’s making me forget about the fibro a little bit, but only because I’m focused on some other kind of heavy, drugged up feeling instead. Maybe this is what happened the last time took Lyrica and felt a benefit. It didn’t actually help, it just distracted me. After a week, I got used to the side effects, I wasn’t distracted anymore, and that’s when it seemingly stopped working. So in a way, it does make me high and not care about the pain. Just a very unenjoyable groggy feeling instead of a proper high. Lyrica feels similar to psych meds like anti-depressants.
I’ve been paralyzed all day from fibro pain and Lyrica grogginess. It’s so unbearable. What a day. Another wasted one. God I want these drugs gone. Out of my system. Done with. I need a walk to chill out, but I can’t move. I’m feeling a bit claustrophobic now because of that.
I’m planning on tapering for maybe 2 doses worth. I almost didn’t take the lesser dose tonight. I decided to do the smart thing (which rarely pays off). I only took 4 doses of 50mg, so I’ll do 2 doses of 25mg to taper back down and then I’ll stop the Lyrica. Fuck this stuff. I want it out of my head. It hasn’t helped at all. One good day, and I can’t really even attribute that to the Lyrica. Could have just been a decent day. I’m not sure I can even handle titrating up to 300/day. I don’t think I can take all the side effects. This entire week has been overwhelming with side effects. It’s been 8 days. I planned on giving it a much greater try, but I just don’t think I can. I should have seen some sort of improvement by now, and I have only had problems. I like cutting problems out wherever I can.