The last 2 nights have had a lot of wake ups and very weird dreams. Lyrica withdrawal effects. I didn’t have any problems yesterday with it in the day time. Just a bit of discomfort starting in the afternoon, but nothing that bothered me. I think it’s gone now. So quitting Lyrica was somehow easier than starting up on it? I don’t understand anything about this experience with it. It was very different than the previous times I’ve trialed it. I’m sitting here now though wondering when is the next fibro flare? Today? Tomorrow? When is the next nasty headache that comes with it? Panic? Psychosis? Right around the corner, for sure. I’m fucking terrified knowing it’s right there waiting for me and there’s nothing I can do to avoid it. Living in constant fear is not living. It’s barely surviving. Having that constant sense of dread on your shoulders is tragic. I’m having a lot of trouble finding motivation right now because of it. Why bother getting out of bed when all that’s going to happen is a fibro flare? Maybe I can walk, but so what. The fibro is just going to come back. I’ll pay dearly for the effort. It’s all so fucking maddening. I really don’t know where I get the motivation from. A string of decent days I guess usually just automatically gives you some momentum that you use to start moving. It’s so demoralizing when the fibro comes back within 4 fucking days though and ruins it all.
I went for a walk earlier and had zero energy. I struggled to get back home. Then I felt those Lyrica issues AGAIN at 1:30 today. So weird how it’s the same time 3 days in a row. I zonked out on my futon again for a couple minutes. This drug is insidious. I can see why so many in the forums despise it. I have no clue why/how it treated me so well in the past, but now it’s an absolute nightmare. It will be a long time until I try it again. The cure has been worse than the disease on this one.
I got out for a rain walk this evening. It’s about 48F and light rain. San Francisco winter weather. Rain walks when it’s 80F outside are miserable. Too hot and sweaty. This is just right. It killed my spine and I had no energy, but I pushed through because I enjoy this weather. I really needed it. This is beautiful to me. These days are far more rare than 90F and sunny. It reminded me too much of NorCal though. It makes me very homesick. I wish I was there right now! It won’t be raining there yet though. Probably not until late December. If I end up in a camper van again, I will no doubt make a bee line toward the Bay Area and at least take comfort in the fact that I’m home. I’ll still be totally fucked from pain and fibro, but I’ll be home.